The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes

"And the first thing that flashed into my golova was that I'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the old in-out, real savage."

2005-07-09T02:09:00.000-04:00

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Last post quoted Buffalo Soldiers. No. Not the one about the black regiment. This is the one about the meth cook and the sergeant's daughter. It's a love story.
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So, I worked this job the other week. I kinda got fucked because I was working a flat per day rate. We worked so much overtime that they cancelled a day. I lost my money for that day and I didn't get paid for the extra time (more than a day's worth). Oh well...I'm gonna get another job. This one will be a better rate and I'll get a goddamn overtime deal. That's the basics on that aspect of the thing. It's no use to go into the details. I learned my lesson. Fuck!

But that's old news.
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Now for the new news. Like anyone gives a shit since I haven't posted in so long, but documenting it somewhere gets it out of my system.

I helped out on the school shoot, even though I've graduated. Grip/Electric needed some help so I was there. Even though it was my birthday. I didn't work so well on my birthday, probably because there were a bunch of people there and I felt kind off useless. But the next day a bunch of people didn't show up so I got something done then. For the first four hours it rained. And I don't mean It drizzled, or dripped, or perhaps misted; it was a fucking downpour, the veritable tears of God, a sluice of epic proportions; indeed, it was really pissin' down.

You think I exaggerate; perhaps I do. I distinctly recall, however, not being able to distinguish one raindrop from another, much like putting one's head under the bath faucet as opposed to the shower head. I had a trashbag on, rather poor protection even though it came down past my knees. Ironic, then, that I received a fine waxed Oxford raincoat with snaps and flaps on as a gift when I returned home. I look forward to using it the next time it rains.

I also got a digeridoo. I've been figuring out how to play it and it's depressingly simple. The circular breathing is still a mystery to me though. Dad also gifted me with a nice big TV so I don't have to come over and watch movies at the house all the time.

Got some work coming up. Looking forward to it.
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Get'cher Movie Zen!

2005-06-10T12:48:00.000-04:00

While it's hot!

"Love makes the world go round...love of gold."

2005-06-09T02:54:00.000-04:00

A new post will be up soon detailing how I got fucked out of some money on this job and all the wacky stuff that happened as well.

"They know that war is hell; but peace, peace is fucking boring."

2005-05-24T12:29:00.000-04:00

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Last post quoted Team America: World Police. "AMERICA! Fuck yeah!" Seriously, you need to see that shit. It's hilarious what they do with puppets, and also how they mock, let's see, the cliches to be found in most every action blockbuster, politics, various actors, and a whole lot of other shit. You'll watch it and go, "I can't believe they went there!" Oh yes. They did. And they went THERE too. And...THERE.
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Worked a day on that Wilmington thing. Grip department was rollin' heavy and rockin' out, as usual. All of the manual labor--the lifting, the carrying, the rigging, the loading, the unloading, that's all grips. Four of us. Kickin' it grip style.

I should probably be shot for using language like that.

Under the heading of "Really Good News For My Bank Account," I just got a PA gig working a 7-day commercial. The guy asked what my rate was, I said $150 a day. He called back later and said the producer would do $200 a day, flat rate. But no more! "Uh...yeah, I think I can live with that."

No I don't know what it's for. I think it may be some kind of big deal though. They're flying people in from out of town. Oh no, oh no, oh no, OH YEAH!

So, yeah, Jack...thanks for the good luck wishes I guess they paid off.
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"Really? Have you ever seen a man eat his own head? "

2005-05-18T20:04:00.000-04:00

Last post quoted Star Wars. The third one. Kind of a gimme.
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The library is, unfortunately, an uncomfortable place. Especially when you're sitting by someone who seems a bit too involved in their music. Is it really neccessary to rock backward and forward a whole three feet? What the fuck?

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There's a product. You can buy it. It's a rubber duck.

It vibrates.

Gives a whole new meaning to bathtime fun, doesn't it? Makes you wonder about Bert and Ernie, doesn't it? "Rubber ducky, you're the one...you make bathtime, lots of fun!"

Just a thought.
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I might have a job tomorrow...but maybe not. I dunno. Something on a golf course doing whatever--y'know, being a PA basically. (Production Assistant). First day of a shoot in Wilmington starts Saturday. It's deferred pay. That means they can pay you whenever the fuck they feel like it, if the movie takes off or some damn thing. I wonder if I'll get paid...it's possible. Highly unlikely. But maybe I'll get on some paid work FROM this--that would be good. Yeah, this means shit-all to you guys I guess. Gotta go anyway, PC time up soon. It's the library.

This was interesting.

2005-05-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

Again, this is something I found at Boing Boing (credit where credit's due and all that). It's filmcritic.com's "All-Time Top 100 Voices in the Movies." Since it's an opinion piece I was wondering if anyone disagrees with a choice or feels that an actor was overlooked.

"Give in to your hatred!"

2005-05-17T15:47:00.000-04:00

Last post quoted "The Final Cut," an excellent science fiction film. I liked it especially because the main character was an editor. How cool is that?
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I'm posting hurredly from the library with my last ten minutes of PC time. This keyboard sucks. There was a fight in here last night. The cops were called. The true cause of the fight was unknowable but the purported causes were unbelieveably stupid, on both sides. Somebdoy looked at somebody else the wrong way. I was checking out some books, and they're over there shoving each other. A big, loud black lady and a couple of her kids gettin' into it with this slow mustached redneck. "He was lookin' at me that way because of my mustache!" I saw him walk in here again earlier today, too.

Fight in the library, man. What the fuck?

Once more into the Boing.

2005-05-09T18:08:00.000-04:00

Boing Boing: Infoporn book gives all the numbers on Hollywood business

If you haven't seen it, check it out.

"I forgive people long after they can be punished for their sins."

2005-05-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

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Last movie quoted was "Training Day." "KING KONG ain't got SHIT on ME!"
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I'm posting this on the last day of class. After today I will be for all intents and purposes graduated, with an associate's degree. And I'm only 18. Cool ain't it.

In the upcoming weeks there are numerous projects. Let's list them.

1. A heavy metal music video for some band in Greensburo. Sounds good. Not confirmed but likely going to happen. Of course I'm doing grip.

2. Redneck Samurai. My continuity and Locations instructor wrote it. he's also directing and starring, though when you're in front of the camera the whole time you need someone to take up the slack. I'm Best Boy Electric and I'm also acting. My character's name is "Pickles" and I'm some kind of supernatural gimp on a leash. Hoo boy, this'll be one to take home to mother.

3. 48 Hour Film Project. Best Boy Electric for my instructor again. Also some editing. Maybe I can get in on the story session.

4. Other than that? I'd like to shoot something of my own. I'm also going to call up a few people I've worked with in the past and see if I can get more work.

Movie/DVD related news via Boing Boing.

2005-05-05T18:23:00.000-04:00

Boing Boing: Soderbergh Cuban, Wagner's 2929: Break all the windows.

As an avid DVD collector, I think this is an absolutely FANTASTIC idea! Waiting for the DVD of a favored movie to come out 3-6 months down the road simply blows. If it had been available I would have purchased "Sin City" right after having seen it in the theater. They could always "double-dip" with a later DVD that contains more features and extras later in the year. Hell, they already do that. Yes indeed, I'm all for this and I hope it works great.

"To be truly effective, a good narcotics agent must know and love narcotics. In fact, a good narcotics agent should have narcotics in his blood."

2005-04-27T12:56:00.000-04:00

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Last quoted movie was "Raising Arizona."
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We edited a movie called "midnight sun" for Editing II. Today we finished 'em up and watched them. My god, I've heard that line so many times--"Sorry, Cap! I'm just cold, that's all!" Sam McGee is a fuckin' pussy. My credits at the end:

Cap Waited Until Sam Was Asleep.

And Strangled His Pussy-Ass.

This Shit Was Edited By Justin Kuhn.

Who Eventually Disemboweled Himself...To End The Pain.

Seriously, the shit really got to me. There is no way you can understand, but when you edit something and watch it over and over again to make sure your timing is right, and when everyone else in the room is doing the same damn thing...sanity is a questionable thing!

"If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'."

2005-04-20T19:19:00.000-04:00

Last post's quote was from the live-action TV series "The Tick." Look for it, it's kind of obscure but goddamn it's funny. "Evil, you face THE TICK."
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Well...I guess I actually do have something to write about. I hate how this has turned into a personal blog instead of what I originally wanted it to be, but oh well. Eventually I suppose my personal life will be somewhat more interesting, and maybe this blog will be too.

Went paintballing the other week. During the first fourth of the day I was rocking every single round. But after an hour of running around in a half-crouch, I got tired and sloppy. My thighs were sore for a week afterwards. If I go again I'll do stretches in between rounds.

I'm currently editing my final project. It's a goofy little science fiction piece that's mostly a vehicle for cheesy special effects I've generated in Photoshop and Livetype. Starring the younger fractions of my family, Jessica, Jeremy, and James. Yes, all of the kids have names starting with J. Ain't it cute. My dad's name is Jon. Mom's the odd one out, Sharon. That's over with.

The render time on all the layering and nesting and imported files is a BITCH. But it should turn out nicely.

The last two days we've spent watching some great movies. Raising Arizona, Training Day, Intolerable Cruelty, and buffalo Soldiers (with Joaquin Phoenix). I reccomend them all, in that order.

The Animation Show 2005: Second opinion, poorly written.

2005-04-12T13:00:00.000-04:00

Go read Derek's post before this one as it's mainly a reply to what he wrote about this year's Animation Show.

Bunnies:
I agree. 'B' is for 'Bunny,' that's good enough for me.

Guard Dog:
Again, agree. Plympton seemed to be in a slump of suck for awhile there (I'm sure there are those that wouldn't agree, but for me his stuff was feeling unwatchable lately). This one was great. 'A'

F.E.D.S. :
I don't really feel that this was a rip of Aardman since he took an interview and applied it to an entirely different set of creatures (zoo animals). I doubt that Aardman was the first to animate an interview. Also, to clarify, I was telling Justin C. that I didn't know if it was done with Rotoscoping, but it reminded me of the animation in 'Waking Life' A bit hard to watch, but I felt it did a good job of attaching facial emotion to the dialog and remaining somewhat interesting. I give it a 'C'. UPDATE: I found out from here that 'F.E.D.S.' was created by Jen Drummond who also had a hand in 'Waking Life'.

Pan With Us:
Yes, fantastic technique, and I really started to enjoy what it was doing when it got to the eagle. But the first half, not so much. 'C'

Ward 13:
This was one of the tops for me this year. I could stand the texture because not all claymation needs to be smooth and by being a bit on the rough side it helped set the mood of the overall short. There was quite a bit of detail throughout and it left me wanting to see it again. 'A'.

Hello:
This one was interesting, yes, but I also probably don't rank it as highly as the others did. While I was watching it I couldn't help thinking things like, "That must suck to have to come up with a tape for everything you want to say," and "I wonder if he can upgrade?" Still the detail was quite good. 'B+' as well.

Rock Fish:
A decent animation. When I first saw the bounding, goofy "pet" I did think, "Oh no. Another quality animation succumbs to the 'cute' critter flaw." But what can you do? The animator probably wanted a sci-fi equivalent to a fisherman's dog and that was what he came up with. Technically, I would give this one an 'A-', but overall (idea + characters) I give it a 'B-' as well.

Fallen Art:
Oh yes. Most good and dark. Good animation and story. Once I had grasped what was going on I was quite amused in spite knowing that laughing at it would mean additional duties in Hell. 'A'

Fireworks:
Yes, I think PES has better shorts that could have been shown, and this was so short that at first I thought it was just the title for the next one, but there you go. 'C-'

The Man with No Shadow:
At first I enjoyed the way one scene morphed into the next, but then it started that circling pattern with the camera and I was starting to get motion sick. And was I the only one confused by him getting seven league boots instead of his shadow back? 'C'

When the Day Breaks:
Overall, a 'B' I liked the style and the animator did a good job of humanizing the animals, but I didn't care much for the overall story.

The Meaning of Life:
I'd had such high hopes for this since I first heard about it. When it started with the evolution of man into the guy walking along saying, "Give me your money!" I was sure we were heading toward some great finish. But then... Well, you know what happened. Stick to the "funny" Don! You are very, very good at that. Leave the philosophy to the philosophers. I'm very impressed at your skill at hand drawn animation, but I wanted to be left both impressed and satisfied. I wasn't. 'C-'

Overall I would rank this year's Animation Show somewhere around a 'C' or 'B-' Its high points were pretty high, and although the low points were pretty low I didn't grade anything below a 'C-' because, ultimately, these people are doing more than just talk about making animation: they are doing it. And none of them were as God-awful as last year's 'Ricardo' shorts.

I'm not sure I'll be willing to drive up to Denver for the next one, if there is a next one, unless we have other things planned to do there as well. Those Denver drivers are insane.

Derek and The Animation Show '05...

2005-04-12T11:21:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, before damn near all of Colorado's front range was shut down due to a blizzard, I (along with my wife, my sister, Collin, Justin C. and Justin's wife) drove up to Denver to see this:

it was...ok...Here's a quick synopsis of the features:
Bunnies
This was the very quick opening/title sequence for the show. A shame, because I enjoyed the style very much. I'd like to see a full short of the Bunnies. Grade: B+

Guard Dog
Bill Plympton, whom I once found very funny, is finally back in that category. Guard Dog is ironic, enjoyable and (as per usual for a Plymptoon) very well drawn. I think this is the first Plymptoon I've laughed at since...like...1992. Grade: A-

F.E.D.S.
Concept: rip-off of Aardman's Creature Comforts. Animation style: fluid and strange. Hard to watch, really. Collin and Justin used the term "Rotoscope" when talking about this one afterward. I'll just call a spade a spade. term: Crap. Grade: D

Pan With Us
You know what? One of the easiest traps to fall into when doing animation is to get "married to the technique," so to speak, and forget to actually make what you're doing watchable. The technique used for Pan With Us was remarkable. I applaud the patience and planning that must've gone into making this completely lousy short film. Oh, yeah...The film itself? I hated it. Everything about this film, beyond the astonishing animation technique, makes it a giant stinking pile of dog crap. Grade: D-

Ward 13
Them wacky Australians! They have a knack for making very dark claymation films. This one is no exception. What I disliked about this particular film would be the textures of the characters. The action scenes, though, were very well animated and the audio for this film was quite well executed. My wife liked it. Grade: A-

Hello
This one wasn't bad. You pretty much have a grasp of the characters and the world they live in right away and the goal of the main character is pretty clear. The style of animation fit the story and the audio track was really well done. Everyone in our group loved this one, except for me. I merely "liked" it. Grade: B+

Rock Fish
Is 3-D computer animation really that amazing anymore? I mean, everyone's doin' it, right? That said, I'm still slightly impressed at the level of spatial realism that can be attained through this medium every time I see it used. I could've done without a number of aspects of THIS film, though, especially the "fish hunter's" little "sidekick" thing. Good action, though and good animation. Grade: B-

Fallen Art
More with the 3-D computer animation. This one, though, has more "cartoonishly stylized" characters and a very dark and evil side to it. In fact, it was so good, I was completely transfixed by this short film. I don't want to give away much, but if you get a chance to watch it, you really should. I'm going looking for a copy of the "Asphalt Tango" as soon as I finish this entry. Grade: A+

Fireworks
Just a real quick self-promotion ad for PES, basically. Still, PES is pretty God Damned brilliant. Grade: B

The Man With No Shadow
Wow, was this one hard to watch. Not because it was lame, or poorly drawn, but it's that damn Frenchy oil paint animation (you may have seen the ads for United Airlines in the 80s and early 90s done in the same style) where EVERY SCENE constantly moves and morphs into the next. The story is about a guy who sells his shadow to the devil for fun and profit and is then ostracized because (surprise) he has no shadow. Interesting technique, except for how it'd give most anyone a seizure. Grade: B-

When The Day Breaks
Canadian animation that presents a world in which we are all animals! ANIMALS! It's actually a very well-done piece, with a very well executed audio track. I did not dislike this one. Of course, references to hockey in the film didn't hurt it's chances, but overall I think that it was quite well done. Grade: A-

The Meaning of Life
This, supposedly, was Don Hertzfeldt's masterwork which he's been spending all his time completing. Seems to me that ol' Don forgot to write a script before starting, or something. See, I like Don's other stuff (Rejected, Billy's Balloon, etc.) but this particular short film fell into the same trap as Pan With Us in the sense that, because Don does everything by hand without the assistance of a computer, he seemed to become totally transfixed with the fact that, even though it was pointless and boring, IT WAS ALL DONE BY HAND! Well, whoop-de-shit. Unfortunately, appreciation of hard work and patience only goes so far. Don failed miserably in the sense that The Meaning of Life is completely and totally boring. I was so disappointed in it, it damn near ruined my day. Grade: F.

Overall Animation Show 2005 grade: C-. Last year's was better. Hopefully next year will be better as well.

"Java devil, you are now my bitch."

2005-02-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

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Last movie quoted was "True Romance." Jack got it.
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Well, Dad called the Dean of Filmmaking at NCSA and he said that the rejection letter was a mistake, because he personally looks at every application and he hadn't gotten to mine yet. EVERY application? I don't know about that. But every time I saw this guy around town or he saw Dad, he'd tell me to apply or tell dad to tell me to apply...so there appears to be a significant chance of my actual acceptance. That would be great. I don't want to start work just yet.

Check out this great game. If I had the money I'd buy it. Sorry, I don't feel like doing any HTML right now. http://www.chroniclogic.com/index.htm?gish.htm

I'm sitting in the editing lab at school right now. Officially I'm in class, but unoffically I'm blogging and playing internet games. I have a virulent head cold. It seems to be getting better, however; yesterday was way worse than this. I couldn't breathe at all then. Now I just have violent sneezing. Everything around me is covered in mucus. I am the Mucus Master, the Sultan of Snot. Fear me!

"Now I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties."

2005-02-23T18:41:00.000-05:00

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The last movie quoted was "The Thomas Crown Affair."
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Apparently some people still check this blog, even though I post so rarely now. I'm on an extended hiatus because, well, life sucks/is boring. It was merely boring until recently, when I applied to the School of the Arts in North Carolina (NCSA) and was promptly rejected. That sucked pretty bad. I also got a cold right at that time. I also lost the source clip for an editing project I put five hours of straight work into. I also was woken up from a refreshing nap with the disapointing news from NCSA. I went back to sleep and Mom called back about some other damn thing. Went back to sleep, or was trying to, when Dad called. After that conversation I couldn't get back to sleep so I went and talked to Ben and Brian, my upstairs neighbors and classmates, and Jeremy, who happened to be there.

Apparently I missed out on some crazy shit when I skipped class to do the NCSA interview. The producer of our bullshit community video documentary project is, let's put it bluntly, a fucking bitch. She's annoying as hell, she wants to represent all races in the video but is a racist herself, she doesn't fucking know what she's doing because she's a first semester, first year student. She made some statements that tipped a number of people over the edge, inducing them to make such statements as "You're a fucking bitch and I hope you die." Gosh, where have we heard this before. Now I'm signing the petition to get her removed from her position. Jeremy suggested we sing 80's songs whenever she talks. "We're not gonna take it! NO! We ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna taaaaake it, anymooooore!" Say hello to the real twisted sister.

The ramification of my rejection is this: I'm going to have to work instead of going to school. That's fine, but my worry is finding a job that I'll be able to hang on to. And if it could be in the field that would be nice too. I'm thinking...news. Damnit. I wonder if there are any production houses near Winston I could sign on with...?

"Damn, I hate being a foregone conclusion."

2005-01-29T15:14:00.000-05:00

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Last movie quoted was Shaun of the Dead.
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I feel so neglectful. Here's the update: this semester we are doing a documentary on Caswell County, where PCC is based. We go and film locations and get B-roll and interview people. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I wanna run some grip shit! I wanna load a truck! Shit.

It's snowing.
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I have a philosophy concerning movies. If a movie has something to say, and it's well-made, with good cenimatography, editing, etc, it's a film. If it's just entertainment, it's a movie. I'm very fond of this pretentious bullshit. Bad Boys II is a movie. Pulp Fiction is a film.

I need a hotel for a location for a film. If I can't get that I am fucked. I need it free. I have a suspicion it will not be free. Shit.

The story is this: Derek "Dollar" Brown works as a night clerk at a hotel. This really hot hooker shows up and gets him to put a suitcase in the safe. Then she has him come to her room for some undoubtedly hot, kinky, and flexible sex. Derek does not resist. Afterwards, he goes to the bathroom. He hears a struggle and come back out to find the hooker dead from some blunt trauma. "Oh, shit!" he thinks, and covers it up. Of course. Then this FBI agent starts fucking with him. The hooker's boyfriend starts fucking with him. And this really intimidating Italian guy is asking pointed questions too. The FBI agent is really a wannabe-GoodFella. He's teamed with the boyfriend, who is really a pimp. The Italian guy is a hitman, a real GoodFella. In the end the wannabe and the pimp cross each other and die and the hitman lets Derek have the money and tells him to the get the fuck outta Dodge. Not the most coherent pitch.

But hey. It's something to write.
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I love ramen.
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Who's Who of Victorian Cinema

2005-01-19T02:11:00.000-05:00

I saw this over at boing boing (natch) and figured that since it was movie related it would be at home here. If not, feel free to delete it. In the meantime, go here for the Victorian goodness.

The next movie in the theater that I expect to be seeing is the remake of 'Assault on Precinct 13'. I'll let you know how that goes.

"Vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet."

2005-01-16T20:14:00.000-05:00

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Last movie quoted was "Se7en."
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"Copy the list from the last person in the chain, delete the names of the authors you don't have on your home library shelves and replace them with names of authors you do have. Bold the replacements."

1. George R.R. Martin
2. Terry Pratchett
3. Dave Barry
4. J.K Rowling
5. Carl Hiassen
6. David Eddings
7. Piers Anthony
8. George Carlin
9. The Tracker (can't remember the actual name)
10. The Bouncer, Jack, The Monkey (blogs count too, sort of)

Got it from Paige.

"It's more comfortable for you to label me as insane."

2005-01-04T19:20:00.000-05:00

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OK, OK, it's been a while, but the last thing I quoted was "The Nightmare Before Christmas."
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Day 2 of the commercial shoot. I'm not going to ive a blow-by-blow account of the whole affair, as I had intended, but instead I'll tell a few funny little stories. This is the part where you go to sleep, no doubt.

We were shooting this one bit with a couple of nurses smiling at the camera. Greg went over and stuck a light meter in one lady's face.

"OK...she's a four...no, a little less than a four...yeah, she's a four," he pronouced dourly. Meanwhile this lady, entirely unaware of what he was talking about (the degree of light hitting her face) smiles uncertainly.

Four? I thought I was at least a nine!

The craft service on day 2 was awesome. Chinese food cooked right on a wok and then they had takeout containers for you to eat out of. Charming.

You know what? I can't really remember anything more about this shoot. If I think of something I'll edit it.

FAQ/Glossary

2005-01-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

FAQ
Q: Are there any questions that can't be answered by the glossary?

A. No. If you have any questions ask me and they'll go under here.

Glossary
1. C-stand: a stand with an arm attachment that can be used to hold numerous things including flags or even lights.
2. Gobo arm: the part of a C-stand that hold stuff. The Gobo head is also a separate piece.
3. Gel: a sheet of transparent colored plastic used to alter a light's color, sometimes for effect, sometimes to compensate for filmstock.
4. Source: a light; a source of light.
5. Dolly: a wheeled platform to mount the camera on.
6. Jib arm: an arm on the dolly that moves the camera from the dolly.
7. Dolly track: if you want to capture a dolly move on camera, you put the dolly on track.
8. Rule of thirds: Divide your picture into thirds horizontally. Now vertically. The points of intersection from those two dividing lines are the points of greatest interest on the screen. Place your subjects there--your actor's eyeline on the top right corner, or jaw on the bottom left. Not both at once though.
9. Looking room: a subject has to have a space in the picture to look into, unless you're trying to be unsettling.
10. Boom pole: what you extend the microphone on.
11. Shotgun: the standard microphone used to capture sound for a motion picture.
12. Grip: a crew member dedicated to rigging anything and everything not electric--C-stands, flags, dolly and dolly track.
13. DP: Director of Photography; Cinematographer. The guy behind the camera. Directs the electrics and grips, or directs the Gaffer and the Key Grip and they direct the electrics and grips.
14. AC: Assistant Camera. Takes care of the camera for the DP--sets focus marks, sometimes does slate, has lenses and filters ready.
15. AD. Boss of the set. Keeps track of the tasks that everyone is doing and assigns them new tasks as events warrant. Runs the operation.
16. Hi-Hi: a light stand with three locking wheels and a lollipop at the top. These babies will put a light at least fity feet in the air.
17. Lollipop: also called a C-boom adapter, this will hold a larger (junior) light's pin or an elephant ear.
18. Junior: a junior light has a pin that slides into a junior stand's junior receptacle and is held there with a screw lock-off. ...Shut the fuck up, you all have dirty minds.
19. Baby pins are smaller than junior pins. Instead of being on the light they go on the stand and slide into the receptacle on a baby light.
20. Elephant ear: these are held by lollipops. They hold frames or poles.
21. Craft service: the people who provide the food for the crew. If male, these people always have big penises. If female, they always have charming personalities as well as beautiful faces and big breasts. Just in case any are reading this and I work with them sometime.

The Grouphug.us Report

2005-01-02T18:59:00.000-05:00

Monkey finds some really funny confessions, but he's missed a few. Here are a few of my favorites from the the recent past.

1. "The other night my girlfriend came over and we went jogging to get some exercise, so we jogged to a park and it was starting to get dark. once we got to the park we ended up sitting on a swing and swinging back and forth. for whatever reason it made me incredibly horny, plus it think it was the fact that i hadnt gotten any in a couple of day, anyways... long story short i got her to have sex with me on the childrens play set! for a good part of the session she was ontop and we wernt very noticable (it was now totally dark) but then i finally got her to let me do her doggy-style over some steps. so there we are having very sneaky sex while people are walking the track. then i look over on the swing set and there is a girl around 13-14 talking on a cell phone. i didnt tell my girlfriend about it cause she would have made me stop and it just felt too damn good to stop. then the girl gets off the swings and starts walking toward the slide we were on (i still didnt tell her) and she looked up and saw us. my girlfriends face was blocked so she couldnt see her. the girl then decided to pretend she didnt see us and went back onto the swings. i should have stopped and im know my girlfriend would have wanted us to stop, but ther was no way in hell i was going to. so we boned and when we were finished, i pulled my pants back up, pulled my girlfriends pants back up and then i told her. she wasnt as mad as i thought she was going to be. IT WAS FREAKIN COOL! and it made me INCREDIBLY HORNY!! i want to do it again :)"

--Of course he does. Wouldn't you guys?

2. "alright so this girl was giving me head and then i pointed to the distant right and said, "is that your father" (i lied... there was no one there) and she quickly looked... then i shot her right in the eye with my cream."

--Gotcha!

3. "my pussy is so tight that i actually made a guy cry yesterday... he was like "Girl, why is it so tight, i can't even handle it" and he blew his load all over me and cried cuz he couldn't last more than 5 mins in me. hahahahha"

--Signed, Taylor.

4. "I am a fucking asshole. I waste mod's time with craphole messages on grouphug.us because I think I'm funny, and hope to make myself more popular by being a shitwit."

--Shitwit!? I gotta start using that word.

5. "I believe that I am god. When I told my friends and family, they laughed as though I was telling a joke. I'm going to use my omnipotentness to make them all sorry."

--That'll teach 'em!

7. "When I go to Dairy Queen, I am too embarassed to purchase a dilly bar. I am so embarrased I have to write my order on a paper napkin and slide it to the clerk, with a wink and a tip of my 10-gallon hat."

--Number One: What the fuck is a dilly bar? Number Two: I thought that people only winked (wunked?) and tipped 10-gallon hats in the movies. Boy was I wrong.

8. "I loved the way my girlfriend tickled my balls all the time. Watching TV? She's tickling my balls. I'm driving? She's tickling my balls. Eating dinner? She's tickling my balls. I loved it so much I put off dumping her for two years because I didn't think I'd ever find a girl who did it the way she did.

That was back in high school, and nobody's tickled my balls like that since, and I miss it so much."

--*sniff* I'm there for you man.

--You know, strictly in the emotional sense. I wouln't consider myself near the expert that she was.

9. "When I was in second grade I stole a guys wallet from under the chair in front of me. I went to the bathroom and ditched his wallet in the trash, and took the 10 bucks. I was the most likely perpetrator, and they grilled me about it, but I never admitted to taking it. I don't know why I did this, I didn't need the money. I guess I just wanted to get away with something, and teach the kid a lesson. That was 36 years ago.
I am an upstanding citizen now with kids of my own. Just remember, I tell them, If you do something bad it will be with you your whole life. Even if noone but you knows.

Sorry dude.

On the plus side: you have probably kept a tight grip on your wallet all these 36 years. Cheap lesson in the long run."

--You know...this guy kinda has a point.

10. "We had a conversation once in which you said, "Sometimes I think you enjoy seeing me miserable." I, of course, denied this fact, but it was (and is) very true."

--The honesty is refreshing.

11. "I got myself in the eye."

--OWWWW! Stings like hell don't it?

--Not that I'd know. I never look myself in the eye.

Movies You Need To See

2004-12-31T01:34:00.000-05:00

Here's my list of movies you need to see if you want to be able to say you know anything about movies. In other words--the classics. I don't care if you like them or not. In no particular order:

1. Pulp Fiction--"Does he look like a bitch!?" Tarentino's finest. Hard to make sense of, but so badass and entertaining I'm still working on my interpretation.

2. Resevoir Dogs--"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm fuckin' dyin' here!" You have to pause and think..."Y'know, he's got a point."

3. Kill Bill, both of 'em. "So if any of you sons of bitches have got anything else to say, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!" I'm not going to say which is better; it's like Macs v. PCs.

4. A departure from Tarentino--Swingers. "Look at this face. This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy." Ultra-low budget, ultra-high returns. It's just...unique.

5. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. "It's been emotional." Funny as hell and very snappy.

6. Snatch. "Do you know what 'nemesis' means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me." Some say it's exactly the same as #5. I wouldn't go that far; it's similar in style, certainly, but I loved the style. You can't help but love it. Note it's position in IMDB's top 250. A movie's got to be good to be there at all. Wait. Why am I saying this? I don't have to justify anything to you.

7. Shaun of the Dead. "Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?" Best/funniest zombie movie ever. Still good if you don't like zombie movies. Which I don't.

8. Sin City. "You already made a big mistake yourself: You didn't flush." Think about that quote. Sin City isn't out yet, but the trailer is enough to put it on my list of both favorites and classics. It's a bold statement for a bold movie.

9. The Maltese Falcon. "What else is there I can buy you with? " The noir flick.

10. Casablanca. "Here's lookin' at you, kid." I haven't seen this. I need to.

11. Equilibrium. "Are you playing with me, Cleric!?" This should be higher on the list, but keep in mind order has no place on this list. Active lighting, great story, great action (in fact any action fan will come in their pants upon witnessing some of these scenes) great acting.

12. GoodFellas. "But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?" It's a classic, but I didn't really care for it.

13. Fight Club. "I am Jack's smirking revenge." I'm not gonna talk about it.

14. The Cooler. "That guy is kryptonite on a stick." Damn it's good. That is all.

15. 28 Days Later. "The end is extremely fucking nigh" The protaginist's introduction. So alone. So very...alone.

16. Star Wars. "Vader's about to smack a bitch up in the hizzy!" Preferably the classics, but you might as well see the prequels too. Um. I made up the quote. I admit it.

17. The Lord of the Rings. "I see in your eyes a fear that would take the heart of me!" Obligatory.

18. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. "The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude." This is an excellent example of fucking good timing as applied to editing. Especially the scene where Ferris is running home. And the bit with Charlie Sheen..."There's someone you should talk to." Jeannie says, "If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle." Sheen, deadpan: "Oh, you know him?"

19. Another John Hughes film, The Breakfast Club. "Eat my shorts." Fuck the establishment!

20. Buffalo Soldiers. "There's basically two types of guys in the army- the motherfuckers and the motherfucked." I like a good fucked-up movie. This is one of those movies.

21. Full Metal Jacket. "I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you!" The first half is the best.

This post will be linked on the sidebar and updated as I see fit. I have no intention of putting any of the Godfather films on this list, because I give less than a shit about them. I don't know why; it's just that I rented one and turned it off because it was so boring. I'm probably wrong about this whole trilogy, and I'll see them at some point through some diabolical Clockwork Orange scheme. But they're not going on the list. Sorry. Only I'm not.

Thumbs? We don't need no steenkin' thumbs!

2004-12-29T16:36:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is Collin. I'm a long time reader, first time poster. Thank you, Justin, for inviting me to be an occasional contributor to your blog. I hope I don't screw it up.

Since I need to stick to a movie theme and don't work anywhere near the movie industry, I figured I would offer my opinion of movies I've recently seen. You people may not agree with my reviews, but as long as we can all agree to disagree there's no need for a straight razor fight in a dark alley. Fair warning: I'm nimble for a fat man.

---
First up is "Lemony Snickett's A Series of Unfortunate Events" (2004)

Rotten Tomatoes Rating (at time of review): 69%

I've been a fan of the 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' books for over a year now. I bought the series for my son last Christmas and had read up to book 7 myself before getting sidetracked.

The movie incorporates the first three books into a single telling and that required a certain amount of fiddling with the story lines. Essentially, the movie starts with the beginning of book one, goes about halfway then jumps to book two, then three, then back to book one for the ending. It sounds a bit confusing, but unless you've read the books you won't even notice. And if you have read the books you might find it somewhat annoying. That's one of the problems with book to movie conversions. You can't please everyone.

I really enjoyed the movie though. The pacing was good, the art direction and the effects were wonderful and really appealed to my taste and the casting was overall spot on. Especially Jim Carrey's performance. I'm not much of a fan of Carrey, but he handled the character of 'Count Olaf' perfectly.

My rating: Very Good-Great. I will be buying this within a week of when it comes to DVD.

---

And last night we saw "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" (2004)

Rotten Tomatoes Rating (at time of review): 48%

I'll lead this one off by saying that I LOVED Wes Anderson's movie "Rushmore" (1998) and on the strength of that love I purchased "The Royal Tenenbaums" (2001) on DVD without having seen it. I wasn't as thrilled by that after watching it. It was a good film overall, but at the end I was left with a feeling of, "Eh."

I would place "The Life Aquatic..." between those two. I enjoyed the playfulness of the film. Some of the scenes really worked great while others were not so good. Bill Murray helped save the movie for me and Willem Dafoe's performance also stood out. Also the few occasions when Jeff Goldblum was in a scene it was quite amusing. The scene with Jeff, Bill and the three legged dog ("What's your dog's name?") was as funny as it was unexpected.

My rating: Good. I liked bits of it, but not enough of the whole experience. I may rent it or borrow it from my brother if he buys it to see if it has grown on me over time.

---

And there you go.

"There's children throwing snowballs / instead of throwing heads / they're busy building toys / and absolutely no one's dead!"

2004-12-27T14:56:00.000-05:00

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The last quote was from "The Great Escape."
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No one really ever asks me questions. If there's anything you want to know about me, what I do, how I feel about whatever, favorite movies--wait, there's a top ten post coming for that--or anything else, ask me via comment, e-mail or IM and I will put an answer in the FAQ as well as tell you on the spot. Unless I don't.
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This is a little late, but I was over at Jack's reading about his nostalgia for the days of long past, lost in the mists of time, a forgotten era--yes, when Jack was a child. Hard to imagine I know. This got me thinking about why I still enjoy Christmas to a large degree, even though I've grown out of believing in Santa and I'm rather annoyed by the commercialism surrounding the holiday.

I've definitely gotten over Santa Claus. It happened when I was about four or five, I just had this suspicion...number one, this whole Santa Claus thing sounded like this thing I was learning about in school, a "metaphor," or a "story," also called a "lie," and number two, I knew my parents had the presents, 'cause I was a nosy little bastard and I'd seen them. There was a little room I wasn't allowed to go into at a certain time of year, especially after I went in to check it out (told you I was a nosy little bastard). One year I was followin' my dad around and he let me watch him wrap up a present for my mother, a pair of very nice scissors. That sentencce was not well-constructed, but if you're any kind of idiot you should be able to tell that the present was a pair of scissors, for my mother, who is not a pair of scissors. Anyway...

The night before Christmas, I was just so full of the knowlege I was privy to that, to be frank, it overflowed. I pointed at the present and extrapolated to my mother about it. "Hey Mom, guess what? That's your present. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but, on Christmas, you'r going to open your present, and, and, and--OUT POPS THE SCISSORS!"

Thus was born our family's version of "he spilled the beans."

"And...out pops the scissors."

But back to Santa Claus. Obviously the jolly fat man didn't exist, but I wanted to be in on the whole thing. So I simply transferred it to my dad, who had the beard and seemed to be the supplier of presents. The phrase "Shouldn't Santa and Mrs. Cluas be getting up to the workshop (attic) to wrap some presents?" gets pretty common around our house in the weeks preceding Christmas. Not that I say it. Not anymore, I mean.

So that's why I never really had a problem with the holiday due to loss of belief--I knew the facts of the matter in the first place.

Christmas still means something to me. It means being together with friends and family, celebrating the fact that we made it another year by showering each other with gifts. I gotta admit that I am fond of all the loot.

"I'm going... out."

2004-12-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

_______________________________
Re-published with respect to Jon's Jail Journal. Last movie quoted was Pulp Fiction. Obviously.
_______________________________

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells,
The convicts were locked down
Madder than hell.
Except for the lifers
Kicked back on their bunks
With heads filled with visions
Of all of these grumps.
When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the cops thought
It must be a riot for sure.
The goon squad came running
Ready to hit
And the Sergeant yelled out,
"Who started this shit?"
"It came from the roof,"�
Sniveled some low life snitch.
"Must be a break out.
Oh! Son of a bitch!"
They climbed to the rooftop
By way of the stairs
And found a fat freak
In bright red underwear.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!"� said the dude,
"I'm here on the scene�."
"Good Lord," said the Captain
"We've captured a Queen!"�
They yelled, "Hey you in the sleigh,
Get your hands on the wall."�
Then slapped on the cuffs
And searched him an all.
They booked him, and threw him
In the hole with a kick;
Well, so much for Christmas
They've busted St. Nick!

It's Here...Inside My Mind

2004-12-25T19:52:00.000-05:00

I went to see Andrew Lloyd Weber's The Phantom of the Opera last week and have been unable to get the music out of my head. I wouldn't categorize myself as a "phan" and I would probably have been better served not to watch it with one, as he sang along under his breath the whole time. But on the whole it was a good movie, bravo!

(I'm sorry I don't know anything about movies, editing, cinematography, lighting, etc. but Justin assured me this was not a prerequisite)

The main story of The Phantom of course is of a psychotic genius (Opera Ghost, OG, Eric) and a rich, young viscompt (Raoul), both in love with a beautiful opera singer (Christine), torn between her innocent childhood love for Raoul and her desire for the dark side. You know the story; it's one of the basics.

One of the delightful little gimmicks of the story is that it is framed, a flashback story. I shouldn't say much; I don't want to ruin it for those of you unfamiliar with the work. The brilliance of this adaptation for me lies in the difference between the past and present. First of all, the past is in color and the present in black and white; quite novel. And the cool thing about the black and white is the grainy quality of it, very old-timey (that's a technical term, dontcha know). And the initial transition between the two is spectacular. It's like magic rolling through the opera house, shining the statues and sweeping away cobwebs and restoring this dilapidated grey place to the splendorous and extravagant theatre of old. Oh, it gives me goosebumps.

The acting is good, the soundtrack is spectacular. Gerard Butler is everything the phantom could ever hope to be: sexy, sadistic, impassioned, ingenious, heartbreaking. The set is beyond comprehension. It's everything a stage show could never really have. Joel Schumaker directed it and has an uncanny understanding of perspective. Things appear to the viewer as they appear to the subjects in question. A corridor seems creepy when one person walks down it and magically mysterious when another does. The camera-work is sometimes frenetic, sometimes peaceful, always captivating and apropos. It's a masterpiece.

Anyway, it comes highly recommended by an actress/singer who watches too many movies for the well-being of her checkbook. If that means much to you, go see it. I know I will be there tomorrow and Tuesday nights. Come see it in Boise if you're nearby; we can say hi. If not, January whatever will be a good day for you all, I'm sure.

"Man, I don't even have an opinion."

2004-12-22T01:57:00.000-05:00

I don't even have to identify the lasty movie quoted, it was so easy. Now--how come I don't see any pictures of Catherine Zeta Jones?
________________________________
I gotta get someone on here who can talk editing and cinematography with me. At least story. We'll probably get to the story after a bit though.
_______________________________

I'm gonna do a FAQ/Glossary post and put a link to it on the sidebar, so you guys know what the fuck I'm talking about.
______________________________

Where was I? Right. Fifteen minutes late.

To make up for being late, I busted my ass as much as possible. The area was some sort of weird hybrid of theater and sound stage, with exits on all for corners. Derek and I ran stingers (extension cords) to all available circuits (8). We had a sort of mottled forest green/brown backdrop out on a couple of bars with elephant ears on Hi-Hi's. Uhm...look, we had a backdrop. Surrounding the actor we put a shitload of Kino-Flos (color-corrected for film flourescents) and a couple of Chimeras (more soft light). Chimeras have a tent-like shade that directs the light from the bulb, and Greg had some flexible egg crate (grid) filters to diffuse it some more.

Once our lighting setup was done, it was time to eat. Not the best craft service I've ever had--the hoagies has been sitting in their boxes a while--but they were gourmet hoagies. Back to the set.

Derek and I had to slate the scenes and time the shots. On a commercial, time of your shots is crucial, since commercial spots do have a certain time limit. Whoever's running the commercial pays big money for every second of air time.

The slate is that clickity-clackety thing you see in front of deleted scenes or outtakes on DVD's special features sometimes. The guy running is is the clapper. the clapper is the loader as well, thus clapper/loader. Both tasks are simple, but there's just enough to it to make it challenging, and with one's reputation on the line, you've got to nail it every time. The clapper has to time the slate just so. On cue from the sound guy, "marker," and clap the sticks, hold it a fraction fo a second, get the fuck out of there and then freeze, so as not to affect the sound in any way. The sticks I was using in this instance had timecode that started whenever you lifted the top sticks.

The loader has a tent or a loading bag so as not to expose the film to light at all, which means he has to take the film out of the can and load it into the mag entirely by touch. I'm going to learn up on it, it's a job I want.

DAY 1: Smooth. Next we're at the hospital.

It's On!

2004-12-21T18:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not eloquent or brilliant or capable of posting a plethora of images, but one thing I always have done is put myself out on a limb. I am quite contrary, you know. Anything to pick a fight. I was the communist in my government class and the mother who believed in spanking in my Home Ec class. I think Pro-Life and Pro-Choice are stupid terms...

That said, I think Sean Connery is a parody of himself, much like Snoop Dogg or Elton John. I also think Mel Gibson is overrated, Denzel Washington was hotter as a young man, Pamela Anderson is superbly sexy, and Cher has been having a farewell tour for nearly three years...enough said.

I agree with you on Robert Redford who was beautiful as a young man and is now devastatingly handsome as an older man. Meryl Streep is also fabulous.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that yes, we have a lot of Dustin Hoffmans and Susan Sarandons and Pierce Brosnans and Renee Russos. But for every Bette Davis there's a Liza Minelli. Some people do their best films at forty, some people do their best films at fourteen. What's most important to remember with celebrities and life. Everyone ages; those who accept it with grace and dignity seem to be the ones who wear it well. But aging is a little like dying, so no one really gets around age spots, wrinkles, sagging, ear and nose hair, tissue paper skin, etc.

Anyway, enough of my babbling...Anyone seen Closer?

You're not getting older you're getting hotter!

2004-12-20T23:25:00.000-05:00

Does it ever make you think?
When you hear tale of the 'Old Actors Home'?
Do old actors really have a 'Home'?
Well if there is... these are folks you can count on not making it there.

Here are some of the people that I think are getting older and hotter:

I think a perfect example of getting hotter is Sean Connery.
Did you ever see him in "Darby O'Gill and the Little People?"
Lord... what a dork!

I can't believe he turned into this...

And this...

Just think... who else would have been able to handle Pussy Galore or Gold Finger?
Sean is the man!

And Robert Redford...
I'm beginning to get warm fuzzies in my... uh... socks just thinking of him.

And just look at the work he has done to help movie students achieve their dreams.

And through it all... he manages to act and direct.. my hero!

Denzel Washington:

Mel Gibson

Johnny Depp

Meryl Streep

And not Pam Anderson either! She's getting older and hotter (and has the doctors bills to prove it)

No problem... but shouldn't she have invested in some acting lessons too?

Look at this girl...
SHE spent her boob money on acting lessons!

WHAT?!?
That offends you?
Look I don't see anything wrong with eye candy, but I don't think we'll be looking at a 50 year old Pam nominated for her first Academy award at the age of 105.
But Cher did that... also very surgically 'enhanced', but Cher has more talent in one of her fake fingernails than Pam has in both of her fake boobs.
Yes they are fake... she had them removed, then she had them put back in, like a week later. Apparently she was miserable with her real boobs, but still being health conscious, she has opted for saline over silicone this time.

I really would like to see Cher try that... "I want the ribs the doctor removed put back in NOW"!

"Sorry Cher, my dog buried 'em in the back yard".
heehee

Okay, Cher didn't really have any ribs removed, but that is one of the most gruesomely awesome tabloid lies I have ever heard... I love it.
They just don't make up enough stories about celebrities removing body parts.

OOOOPS... Well maybe she should just stick to the acting.

So tell me this, who do you think is getting better with age?
And who do you think will be the next Redford, Gibson, Meryl Streep or Cher?

Come on tell me... don't be chicken.
You can't be wrong... it's just your opinion.
Well... except for Justin... this will be on next weeks test.

Makeup final

2004-12-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

bloody horns, originally uploaded by TheWrathOfKuhn.

Remember when I talked about Maekup class? This was the final that I did. Joey rolled his eyes back in his head all by himself. It's a demon-possessed black Civil War-era Hitler.

Yeah...I planned it that way.

"Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation."

2004-12-18T23:02:00.000-05:00

This one's a gimme. Previous one was "Mallrats." I need to watch some more obscure movies or get some more obscure quotes.
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Well, I've got one member so far. I don't think that's quite enough to initiate a discussion yet, but don't worry Sam--when I get just a few more volunteers to participate in this little experiment, it's on.
__________________________________________

I was on a paid crew recently. Here's the lowdown.

I was working on my wardorbe project last Thursday, an attempted replica of the coat from Equilibrium (quoted in previous posts), when I recieved a phone call. I didn't recognize the number. I went out in the hall and answered it. Those magic words:

"I've got work for you."

He was looking for a PA at $150 a day, which is pretty much standard unless you're unionized like those Charlotte boys at $200 a day. In fact he was looking for two PAs.

"Hey, Dollar. Want a job?"

Derrick "Dollar" Brown was the person nearest to me, so he got it. In retrospect I feel that you should only bring someone on a show if you trust them implicitly to work hard, know their shit, and not have an attitude. Also in retrospect I made a good choice with Derrick.

What it boils down to is that when someone does a bad job, they make you look bad, because that shows that you have bad judgement. No shit. Derrick and I worked together on the school project, "Uriel" (what happened to the fucking link button on this damn thing?) as Gaffer and Key Grip. I believe I've mentioned I was Key Grip. We worked together quite well. Derrick is a hard worker with something between his ears. Now that I think back, we made a good team on Uriel. Likewise we made a good team on the commercial (it was a warm-and-fuzzy spot for a hospital).

Some people know their shit, but they have an attitude. I'm not even going to attempt to disguise that I'm talking about Red here, because he'd know who he is. He knows his shit, as far as I can tell. I'm not the Grand Grip Poobah or anything, so maybe someone like Greg (gaffer on the commercial) would judge better. Red likes the gaffer position.

Red's problem is that he has an attitude. His dad worked as a camera op and 1st AD. The 1st AD is the set boss. Isn't that the director? No. The director is the set god. The AD greases the wheels of the production so the director doesn't have to, and has considerable power. After you do it for a while you're used to the power, and maybe it can go to your head. Maybe you tend to take charge in the wrong situations at the wrong times. Whatever. All I know is, Red's dad took a teaching position. Last resort? I don't know. I'd like to teach a few young bucks (more on that phrase later) a few tips of the trade...when I've done enough to prove that I know 'em in the first place. But I'd much sooner work. My point is that Red has the exact same tendancy. He bogarts shit incessantly. My computer; my camera; and my kitchen, by not cleaning up, which especially pisses me off. On set, that kind of behaviour could get you fired, or at least not invited back, since once you're on board it's often too late to hire someone else, especially on a three-day commercial shoot. In Red's defense, he was 2nd Assistant Camera (AC) on Uriel, and he had his shit together and didn't step on anybody toes. In rebuttal of that, I wasn't around him that much, and more importantly I wasn't in his department. So...

The jury is out on Red. I'll keep thinking about it. I'd rather he prove himself one way or the other without my reccomendation.

Working on a shoot is a harrowing experience, most especially if you're a newbie. Every time you fuck up, no matter how minor the fuck up, you die a little inside, expecting the guy forking out the money to come over and tell you that the crew is actually "overmanned" and that you can "take the next three days off." Then the only option is to move a few states away, because no one will hire you now. So you see, freelancing is by definition unsteady work, if well-paying. So if you fuck up, you've fucked yourself.

Now, punctuality especially is prized in the film business, and by my dad as well. So, I too consider it a fine thing indeed to be punctual, since it was badgered into my tonker at an early age. With all the preceding information in mind, imagine how I felt when I pulled up a whole fifteen fucking minutes late.

"What, like the back of a Volkswagon?"

2004-12-12T17:29:00.000-05:00

____________________________________
Ok, I'm liking this group blog idea. So. E-mail me at justinkuhn@mail.com and request to join the blog and in all likelihood, if you're request e-mail is well-composed, I'll get you on this thing. Writing a lot is not neccessary. Like if you want to contribute like one post a month, that's perfectly fine. Just make it interesting and related to the film industry somehow. It could be a review, it could be your personal thoughts on the people who make the movies (like, an article detailing the top ten hottest actresses of the [pick a time period] is just fine. I'm gonna try and hook up some photohosting), it could be something on the making of a film or a particular aspect of filmmaking--damn near anything. It just has to have something to do with the film industry.

"You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own."

2004-12-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

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Last movie quoted was "The Maltese Falcon." I can't believe I haven't seen it before now.
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I think that it'd be fun to start a group blog about movies. Maybe I'll turn this into a group blog and then I won't have to post so much. Naturally I would be the moderator and thus have the power. The topics covered would include anything about filmmaking, like your experience crewing such-and-such a commercial the other week, or movie reviews, or movie ideas, or bitching about stuff that you hate in movies, It'd be awesome. I just need some people who are interested.
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If you know anything about the blog world, then you know Steve the Mildly Unwell Bastard. Steve told me a very amusing story the other day. He made me swear not to tell anyone else, and so I immidiately decided to blog it, since nobody reads this damn thing, in fact they avoid it like the plague. So naturally it was the best way to keep my word.

Here's how it went: Steve is visiting with an older friend. They're talking for a while and then this friend, Issac, asks him a favor.

"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

Steve doen't run errands for just anybody, but Issac has been very good to him in the past, a mentor even. So he goes upstairs. On his way to his friend's bedroom he passes the room that Issac's daughters share. Steve notices that they both have great big tits. Steve always notices great big tits. They're both freckly redheads, and Steve can tell that baby and baby have got some serious back.

Steve being the adventurous and and quick thinking sonofabitch that he is, he strikes up a conversation instantly.

"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to have some sex with you!"

They're both rather nonplussed, but at the same time intrigued. Of course. The one says doubtfully, "I think you're full of shit."

Steve grins. "OK, let's check!" He shouts downstairs at Issac.

"BOTH OF THEM?"

Comes the reply: "YES, BOTH OF THEM DAMNIT!"
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"When you're slapped, you'll take it and like it."

2004-11-28T18:08:00.000-05:00

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Previously quoted movie was State and Main, an excellent representation of getting a movie made and of the mentality it takes to make it. If you haven't seen it, rent it.

"Seen them before? Hell, they can draw them from memory!"
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This lady is home alone one day and the doorbell rings. She goes to answer it--it's the next-door neighbor, Frank.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he just went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a bit of silence Frank says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see them in fact."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows him her excellent knockers for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Frank says, "That was so amazing...but I've got to see the whole package. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see you totally nude."

Sara is amazed by the offer. She sits and thinks a bit about it and figures, heck, why not? So she stands up, drops her robe and gives Frank a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. Sara mentions to him, "Frank stopped by."

Tony brightens.

"Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Still nothing happening. I probably shouldn't bother to mention it. After all, what's the point?

"It's not a lie. It's a gift for fiction."

2004-11-27T22:22:00.000-05:00

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Yup, "The Incredibles." Whoop-de-do. Bet I'll have to quote half the script of this one before someone gets it right though. And then I have a hard one after that too.
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I kinda like this one...

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

And...

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!" she protests. I don't give a fuck, open it now!!!" he screams. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" What can she do? he's got her at gunpoint. So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well." She does. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask.

"See honey--it doesn't really taste all that bad, now does it?"
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Nothing much happening at school. Got really fucked up over the holidays. Saw some great movies, too.

"Hooooney? Where is my super suit?"

2004-11-20T13:49:00.000-05:00

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You still haven't guessed...nyah nyah.
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You know why Democrats are better in bed than Republicans?

Well...You never heard of gettin' a good piece of elephant, did you?
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Still working on that script. I've been considering a few other ideas as well. Like "The Long Dark Hell," about a race car driver who takes a wrong turn at a crucial point in his life and gets on the highway to hell. Now he's got to race a whole bunch of demonic road trash. I've got a real good idea aobut the look of the film, but the actual story I'm having trouble with.

"Okay, okay - every time they run, we take a shot!"

2004-11-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

New rule. I'm gonna keep quoting until somebody guesses it right. What? What! SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is my game, I can make up all the rules I want!

Meheheh.
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Joke of the Post for the Joke of a Blog

This guy goes out hunting. He sees a bear. He shoots the bear. The bear falls down, like most people do when they get shot. He walks over there. The bear taps him on the shoulder.

"Hey! Gimme a blowjob."

What can he do? It's a fuckin' bear, people. So he gives the bear oral pleasure, and...he comes back with a bigger gun.
He sees the bear. He shoots the bear. The bear falls down. He walks over there. The bear taps him on the shoulder.

"Hey! Bend over that log right there, punchy."

What's he gonna do? It's a bear. He bends over and the bear gives it to 'im where the sun don't shine.
He comes back later with a bigger gun. He sees the bear. He shoots the bear. The bear falls down. He walks over there. The bear taps him on the shoulder.

"Hey. ...You ain't comin' out here just to HUNT, are ya?"

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I'm trying to get my buddy that I wrote the screenplay with to help me go over the final re-write (there's gonna be some fighting) so that we can get it made as a play, in order to generate publicity and maybe get a sponsor for the film.

"I declare war on peace and happiness!"

2004-11-14T23:04:00.000-05:00

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OK, back to regularity. Maybe. Hopefully.
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I'm going to introduce a feature that will allow me to always have something to say. I'm going to start it off with one that I consider to be quite offensive. Just to get the tone straight. Without further ado, I present:

The Joke of the Post. For this Joke of a Blog.

This lady is checking out at the supermarket. She buys some Tylenol, a bushel of carrots, some Kleenex, some tampons, and three cucumbers. The cashier looks at all this stuff, then says, "Hmmm. You must be single."

She says, "You can tell that just from what I bought?"

He says, "No. You're fucking ugly!"
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I just finished a really kickass script. If I can produce it, I plan to keep a diary of it on this blog, like girl with a movie camera but more profane. At this stage I'm just looking for feedback, money, crew, and actors. The next stage of production that I can enter right now is storyboarding. I'm also going to get a job to finance the thing. Now that's commitment.

2004-10-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

2004-10-13T19:05:00.000-04:00

"Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here."

2004-10-04T14:49:00.000-04:00

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The last movie quoted was The Matrix Reloaded. At least I'm pretty sure it was.
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Well, ladies and gents, here's what's up in mini-Hollywood.

Uhm...

Uhm.

Yeah. I got nothin'.

But in personal news, a machine shop I have connections with (read: my dad owns it) will be machining a Steadicam JR for me with numerous customizations. The system here is that the hinge at the top of the camera lets the weight under the point of movement keep the camera platform constantly steady. With some of the customizations I have in mind, I'll be able to mount it out of my car's sunroof, on the side of the car, or do cheap crane shots using a boom pole. If you didn't understand any of what I just wrote, check it out: it's really, really cool.
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I had my final in Make-up the other day. I had horns bursting out of my friend's forehead, it was really cool. Plus sideburns and a hitler mustache. I'm too lazy to post a link though...sorry. Besides, it's on a yahoo group so you have to be part of the group, blah blah blah, and I forgot my username anyway.
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"MISter Anderson...welcome back. We've...MISSED you."

2004-09-15T22:50:00.002-04:00

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The last movie quoted was "The Big lebowski." A really awesome movie. Go see it.
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I worked on an indie this Monday entitled "Ruff Roads." It was about how dealing drugs will bite you in the ass, like when you beat up an addict who didn't pay you who then goes to the house of your mom and kills her to get money to buy more meth, but not before being stabbed to death by her with a letter opener passed off as a kitchen knife in the actual film...

I really enjoyed it.

It was fun watching the actors work, they were good actors, or cast well anyway. The big black guy playing one of the drug dealers said it was giving him flashbacks. He was incredibly intimidating on camera, and a little bit off too. The actor playing the addict was awesome too. I'd seen him before in Matt Moore's 48 Hour Film, and liked his performance.

The actual gripwork was great. I managed to snatch a catnap during a slow period, which energized me enough that Red, Crazy Bob and I set up a 1200K HMI and C-stand/bounce card assembly, raised twenty feet high, in sixty seconds. You talk about fuuuun shit!

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"I'm the Dude. That's what you call me."`

2004-09-10T15:01:00.000-04:00

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The previously quoted movie was Indiana Jones. Like, practically any one of the three, and probably the fourth as well. More from this post's movie: "I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars."

...

"I'm gonna go find a cash machine."
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Makeup class was kind of boring. So was Production Management. As usual. And Editing. Why am I telling you this? Bleh.

Here's some real news that you may or may not find interesting: I found out recently that I'm in the wrong person's class. I was told to go to the EIGHT AM Wenesday class. After a month, chris asks me why I'm not on his roster, and someone tell's me that I'm actually in Matt Moore's class--at least, he's been calling my name for the past month. Since his class is Thursday night and that means one less day I have to get up early on, I'm going with that. Sweet. Plus, Matt is less straitlaced and a cool guy in general. I thought he was a student when I first met him.

This means I now have a four day weekend, with a class day in the middle though. More time to sleep in. More time to watch porn. More time to goof off. More time free for dates, or thinking about sex anyway. As I said to my buddy Joey: "Four day weekend. BITCH!"

"BITCH!"

I interviewed for the position of Key Grip on the student shoot just now. Kinda tense. I think I got it though.

(A key is the senior position; a grip rigs flags, nets, cookies, dolly track, camera mounts, and makes sure everything on set is safe.)
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The Independent

I think a store that rents out independent films exclusively would be really cool. The store members would rate new arrivals and then they'd go to the pay shelves. If it enjoyed enough rentals, it could go to the other franchises in the chain (this store would be awesome as a chain) and possibly get screened in the backroom theater. A combination theater and rental place. If you wanted to rent a filmt currently screening, it would cost a bit more. And stuff. Is this a coherent idea?
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"That belongs in a museum!"

2004-09-02T18:21:00.000-04:00

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The previously quoted movie was "Anchorman." I hear it's real funny.
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We did age progression in Make-up today. I did a pretty good job I think. Issac didn't age very well though. Ouch with the enlarged alcoholic pores. Also, I think I have a crush on Ann, our makeup teacher.

I can't wait to actually get a real assignment in Editing class.
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I may have a date this weekend. Don't get your hopes up though.
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I like living by myself. A lot. A hot female roomate would be nice, though. One who enjoys doing dishes. I really miss the dishwasher. And I kind of miss having the internet at home. Nothing wastes time like that.

"I'm STORMING your castle, milady!"

2004-08-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

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The movie previously quoted was "Se7en." Watch it if you want to find out what's in the box.
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I had Production Techiniques today. My group and I did a news spot on how the vending machines steal your money. We (We meaning they shot stuff while I slept on a table) had to edit entirely in-camera, which means we had to shoot in sequence and rewind and record over something if we didn't like it. It sucked. I'll take non-linear editing any day. That means you can sit in front of a computer and arrange and title and blah blah blah to your heart's content.
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I'm John Prestbury, bitch. Yes, you heard me. The one and only Prestbury is back from vacation and cooler than ever. Go read him. He is genius.
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"Aw, c'mon, man! What's in the box!?"

2004-08-26T13:40:00.001-04:00

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The movie previously quoted was "The Bourne Supremacy," which I personally liked but others had issue with. It's the movie my friends and I Riverdanced after.
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I'm currently blogging on break from Make-Up and Wardrobe class. I don't think I've updated anybody on the reason I haven't been blogging recently, or even online.

I guess I'll do that now.

With the return of the school season, I decided to get my move-out-of-my-parents house shwerve on, and moved into a spacious singles apartment deep in the heart of Hicksville AKA Bumfuck, NC. I furnished it lovingly with the boxes from all the appliances my mom bought me. I've had to cook for myself and I've done it well (I know it's hard to believe).

I'm in the second and final year of my film program. I'm taking Production Management 12:30 to 5:20 on Tuesdays; kind of boring but we watch movies sometimes, so that's good), Editing 8 to 12:30 on Wenesdays (boring, because I know most of what the guy is talking about, but I've gotten some nice tips anyway), Make-Up and Wardrobe on Thursdays, 12:30 to 5:20 (the teacher is freakin' hot), and Production Techniques 8 to 3:50 Fridays and sometimes Saturdays. That one is just kind of an all around movie-making course, concentrating this semester on ENG (news for television, basically).
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I just got out of Make-Up. I look like a dope fiend. I'll try and get a picture up, but it's not likely. Since I'm not going to be able to get online as much, my posts will be infrequent, but hopefully regular. I hope I can promise at least one per week, perhaps with short little blogettes during breaks. Also, I will no longer be doing a story segment with every blog, I will however post them as I receive the inclination. Signing off boys and girls, this is your friendly neighborhood...guy.

"Get some sleep. You look tired."

2004-08-01T13:33:00.000-04:00

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The previously quoted movie was "The Thomas Crown Affair."
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Two AM. Me and five other people have just been to a midnight movie showing, and we're hungry. Jason insists we go to a Waffle House he knows. He and Zack go there as a tradition.

Well, there's some story behind that that's pointless to tell you, but Matt, Jimmy, Xack, Damian and I get there first. We stood around talking about the movie for a bit, and the nature of bitches ("Matt is Jimmy's bitch. Justin is a bitch. Xack makes everybody his bitch. And I'm a Mexican. So I'm everybody's bitch," as Damian put it). Then we were bored.

Matt was the one who suggested it. "Lets go Riverdance in the street!" A pause. We all looked at each other.

Jimmy/Me/Xack: "OK!"

Now, this is Route 1 we're talking about here, a three lane highway. But it's two AM, so the cars are quite intermittent. After waiting for a pickup on its last gasp to go by, we darted out, hands across each other's shoulders, and did a chorus line style Riverdance. After a second, Damian darted out and joined us ("I gotta get in on this shit!") and then we dashed back into the parking lot, certain that the Waffle House crowd thought we were quite drunk. I thought that we were going to get arrested, but the sheriff inside didn't give a shit I guess.

Jason got there and we decided to go to the Waffle House that Damian and Matt work at, because the food is free. Jason got pissy and stayed at HIS Waffle House. Once there, we enlivened the atmosphere by singing a merry little tune. See, when you start certain songs people really do join in with you. You know the tune. It goes, "Ring ring ring...."

To thank the waitress for not charging us (hey, we're Sanitational Worker) we left a message composed of money. S.W. in coins, underlined with a five and a one, and a tip from Jimmy: "Beware of falling rocks."
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Installment 9

"You do that."

I turned him loose and stumbled upstairs after a minute or two, drunk on fatigue but not alcohol (I was mostly acting--maybe I could play a part for Alandria after all. Though I doubt the part I have in mind is the same as what she's thinking of).

Upstairs, I peered about in the darkness. This bed looked to be empty. I shucked my leathers and slipped in. The application of a dagger point to my backside quickly had me on the floor.

"Goddamnit, Alandria! I didn't know you were in there! I just want to get some sleep! It was a goddamn accident, put the knife away!"

Yeah. And if I "accidentally" cop a feel, and "accidentally" get a big ol' stiffy, then I might play hide the sausage "in my sleep"... But I digress.

Damn. I'm gonna have splinters in my face from sleeping on this damn floor.

"Monet's unknown masterpiece...Dogs At Cards. "

2004-07-29T23:59:00.000-04:00

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Yeah, that was UHF. "Ghandi II--this time, it's HIS way!" The movie I'm quoting this post is great too. Dogs at cards, oh yes.
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We shot some footage last night. Great stuff. We also shot some today. We had Damian dolled up in a black trenchcoat (pleather) and Zack in a kung fu outfit (wide sleeves, little knots through the loops) and we did a chase/fight down a set of stone steps, across a bridge, down another set, and onto some railroad tracks and off into the distance. Tomorrow I hope we do some talkng scenes, and possibly some more fighting on the rocks out on the river near the tracks.
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Installment 8--check the previous post, I edited in a segment.

I flipped the thief onto the bench opposite me, using his forearm as a lever. "I'll make you a deal: bring me up to date on the who's who of the Gate City crimminal underground. I'll give you a nice shiny copper."

"Fuck y--"

I turned my wrist deliberately. I was still holding his arm. The ratty little man grimaced. "Ok, you twisted my arm."

I loosened my grip. "Start talking."

"All right. See, Jimmy the Jew is Knocker for the Shadows right now. Zoomaster Xachary is Main Pimp. Shithead Sean just assasinated Matt the Jewel, those clans have been at war for a while now...I'm in hiding, myself--I was one of the Jewel's Shivs when the bad shit went down."

"If you've told me false you'll have a fresh reason to be in hiding--and I retired off my bounty hunting money."

"Since I can't take your money I'll get your drift."

TOO BAD.

2004-07-28T12:30:00.000-04:00

"You get to drink from the FIRE HOSE!"

2004-07-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

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The quote on the previous post was from my shitty reality show.
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The drive up to Richmond was technically uneventful, but it had some interesting points. For one thing, I finally had occasion to tighten the nut on my driver's side windshield wiper. I was probably something to comment on, standing on the side of the road, shirtless (it was DAMN hot) tightening this thing with a goddamn pair of pliers. So then I got back in the car, turned on the wipers, and it loosened up immediately. I pulled off at the next exit to get out of the rain. I tightened it up enough that it worked, but by the time I got out on the highway again, the rain had stopped. Of course. Also obvious, I had picked the one exit that made it damn hard to actually get back on the interstate. So I got back on the interstate, like I mentioned in the last fuckin' sentence, and tuned into the most idiotic radio show ever. This guy seemed to think that gay people were taking away from the war effort by assaulting the sanctity of marriage. Well, hell, I'm kinda skeptical about marriage in the first place, so this ain't the best argument with me. Who gives a damn? A guy in China married a Barbie doll once, I shit you not, though he divorced her pretty damn quick--she was too stiff in bed, and she just lay there. I could go on, but basically, the guy was an ultra right wing neo-Nazi conservative, you get the idea, and an idiot.

That wasn't much, though-I was on a road trip with my family once, with the addition of my grandmother. Dad bought a Ford. If you can avoid this, do so by any means necessary. Dad is apparently forced to buy Fords because, one, it has enough seats that everybody doesn't have to sit directly next to anybody, but even then that large car can become a fucking small space pretty quick. We had Grandma with us, so the her and the two people sitting next to her were pissed. Two, it has enough towing capacity for all the shit that Dad hauls.

Anyway, we were driving not-so-merrily along when the car starts to vibrate. Dad starts pulling over, and the vibration increases to shaking. Then there's a great lurch and the car tilted to ojne side. I looked out the window and observed a wheel bouncing into the median. "Huh." I considered this, "That can't be good." I looked down and saw the axle sparking off of the asphalt. I considered this as well. "Mother of holy fuck!"

We took the rest of the day to get the car and trailer towed, and the only dealership around was a Ford outlet. We pulled out with another damn Expedition, this one with a DVD player. Funny thing, the transmission on that one blew out on Dad on his most recent trip.

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I spent Thursday, or it might have been Friday, scouting locations, meeting actors and tech people, and also playing video games. These are all theater people, and they all badmouth each other behind their backs, I'm trying to get used to it. These two guys disagreed with each other on a production issue (foamcore combat swords) and told me radically different things. The same thing they both told me was that is it was an ego thing--with the other guy. Hoo boy. I can't wait for the male-female drama.
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Installment 7

"Fine." I hoped that Alandria had packed some rations for the road. "Just show me the accomadations."

Let's skip over the part where I tell you all about getting our stuff and going to the room with the flea-infested staw mattresses, shall I? We'll get right to the part where Kahnrad and I slunk back to the barroom and started gathering information.

I was deep in my cups. My shoulders were hunched and my eyes were hooded. There was a small pile of silver and gold on the table in front of me, obviously meant to pay off my tab.

Well, actually it was bait, as the thief who made a grab for it discovered when I caught his wrist in an iron grip.

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You might have figured it out--I'm kind of in a hard place with this story. I really don't know why I stopped them at the tavern, it just seemed like they shouldn't have reached Gate City in the first day. But you don't talk about all the boring stuff. Sure, you write in implications, but you don't actually describe it all. Anyway, I wrote myself into a plot point that I've got to make up. We'll see how I handle it.

How About A Goddamn Intermission?

2004-07-13T12:47:00.001-04:00

Just checking in to let you all know that while I will do my best to update you all, there will be a break from your regularly scheduled doses of storytime and quote goodness (though I'll probably sneak a few in there for ya).

I am currently finishing up the edit on a short film I recently shot. It's tough going, because I had to be in it do to a shortage of actors and after looking at my mug long enough, I am willing to concede that my acting fucking sucks, or at least clocks in right at mediocre. In future I will endeavor to restrict myself to small bit parts and parts that are easy to play, like "Sleeping Guy."

Tomorrow I am finally driving up to Virginia, so you'll be able to expect some audioblogging. There I will direct a short film, with a full cast (and sort of full crew). This short film concerns the adventures of Sanitational Worker, an incompetent super hero who has charged himself with protecting the great state of Delaware. As a nemesis he has Master Naughty, a villain who got stuck with a bad name because he got kicked out of the College of Crime and Villainy. Backing him up are such diverse characters as Lord Setyourhaironfire and the Pants Queen, as well as Melvin. Sanitational will also be forced to do battle with the likes of Canadian Death Robots and...more Canadian Death Robots.
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If you're into sex blogs, you might want to check out this one. Also this one.

EDITING

2004-07-11T05:31:00.000-04:00

is an experience alternating between moments of "Holy SHIT that looks great, this is so awesome, so much fun, YES!!" and "God-fucking-DAMNIT, why won't the piece-of-shit program do what the fucking hell I WANT!? MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Before we start, did anyone leave a stack of rolled up twenties, in a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band."

2004-07-09T21:16:00.000-04:00

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The previously quoted movies were Pitch Black and Pulp Fiction, respectively. I'm thinking of doing a movie trivia contest, what do y'all think? Perhaps a small prize for the winner, a limerick composed about them or some such. No punches will be pulled, so don't compete if you don't want to win this dubious prize.

Speaking of movies, Vader needs to check this out.
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I had an interesting experience the other day. My mother and I were out shopping for stuff to put in my apartment. We filled about two carts full of stuff. I insisted on making Jaws references repeatedly. "We're gonna need a bigger cart!"

We got lamps, a couple of fans, a couple of inflatable beds (one for the apartment and one in case somebody needed a place to crash, plus I could fit the smaller one in my car), cooking supplies, a trashcan, a blender, a toaster oven, a couch (55 bucks), and a bunch of other assorted stuff. That wasn't the exciting part.

The fun part was that there was this really cute girl who kept coming over and asking if we were finding everything we needed. "Pretty much--except that I could really use some pussy right now," as Steve might say. I got to talking with her and she said she goes to ECU, a big party school that was featured in Playboy.

Guess who's plundering Dad's stash?

I asked her if I could give her my number, and she said she had a boyfriend. DAMNIT! I ALWAYS get that! She took my number anyway, and told me that I was her type, which was why she kept coming over.

Hey. I'm somebody's type. Somebody likes me. Wonderful!

And I can't take advantage of the fact. Shit!

Why me?

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Installment 5

My wet dream abruptly took a turn for the S/M-istic as my luscious bed-partner began lashing my buttocks with a whip. Then my dream suddenly had its butt kicked by reality.

I was lying on my face in the back of a lurching, splitery wagon. Alandria was holding the whip, and she was waking me up. This did not bode well for our future relationship.

"Get up. We're stopping for the night, and I need you to get us rooms."

"Why me?" I groaned, picking bits of wood out of my cheek.

"Because you're big and strong and the innkeeper will listen to you."

"He'd listen to you."

"No, he wouldn't. For all he knows, I don't have a head. Go talk to him. Get us a good deal."

I rolled off the wagon, staggering as the blood rushed to my head. A happy thought ocurred to me. If I played my cards right, Alandria and I would have to sleep in the same bed! That would be a shame.

"By the way, if you try and fix the sleeping arrangements you get the floor."

Shit.

I stumped towards the tavern. My brutal shove slammed its door open. The other travelers looked up briefly and then went back to their drinks.

Dirt floor. A fireplace for lighting that wasn't doing a very good job of it. A barrel of beer and a guy with an apron that was probably cleaner than the clothes underneath it, standing behind a high sort of bench. I guessed that this was the bar. I stooped (low ceiling, and I'm tall) and walked over to the bar.

"I need three beds and some decent food."

"Does this look like a gourmet restaurant to you?" the bartender inquired. "The mash in our beer should be meal enough for you."

Great. A comedian.

Fireworks Part II: The Big Finale Only Not

2004-07-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

Fireworks Part III: the Actual Big Finale

2004-07-04T21:58:00.000-04:00

Fireworks Part I

2004-07-04T21:54:00.000-04:00

Fireworks: the Prologue

2004-07-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

Movie quote

2004-07-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

"This? This is just a personal grooming appliance."

2004-06-30T02:00:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quote was from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Another quote: "In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey--the monkey will spank us!"
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After seeing things like the anime segment in Kill Bill and the Animatrix, I've decided that I'll give anime a little more slack. I just can't tolerate low-quality anime like Pokemon and Dragonball Z, the examples that turned me off in the first place.
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Installment 4

Acting, she says. That means undercover work. I hate undercover work. Of course, if I'm lucky I'll get under her covers. I gleefully tugged on my goatee braid at the thought.

I sat up. "Hey, Kahnrad. You want to play the alphabet game?"

"Sure," he said, his short legs dangling off the back of the wagon.

A few minutes passed. We searched diligently for a sign.

"What letter are you on?"

"A. What about you?"

"A."

"Ok, fuck this...Hey, Alandria. What's the role you've got in mind for me?"

She shifted on the front of the wagon, I think they call it a running board. "One of the supporting Valkiries. We're doing an operatic production."

"The Valkiries are the ones who drink lots of beer and get laid a lot, right?" I asked, taking a stab in the dark. If such was the case, I was born for the part.

"No. They're the ones who have long braids and large breasts. And they sing."

Fuck. I hate undercover work.

"Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong!"

2004-06-26T02:02:00.000-04:00

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Another quote to help you out: "The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."

Last post's quote was from "The Avengers," which reportedly sucked but it had a quote appropriate to my feeling.
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I've been trying to film a movie lately, but I'm having difficulty with my actor's schedule and finding a new location because of the schedule...It's fucked up and stressing me out. Oh, right. It's the same one I took a blogrest because of.
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Installment 3

I opened my eyes and regretted it. My head felt like a monkey had been using it to play steel drums with. The inside of my mouth felt like a rat had crawled inside, and hadn't been making trips to got to the bathroom outside. My eyeballs felt like they'd been removed, coated with vinegar-soaked cotton, and then shoved back into my skull.

I really wasn't feeling good at all.

I blinked with difficulty. My hands were tied behind my back and my feet were tied together. I rolled over and bumped into something. It cursed foully. Must be Kahnrad.

"I don't know about you, but I treat my dinner guests with more courtesy than this."

Alandria leaned over from her seat on the front of the wagon. Is that what they call the "buckboard?" Fuck it.

"I was in a bit of a hurry. I'd just told the mob boss in Kronston that you'd had intimate relations with his daughter and that you were sitting in the Dirtwater Fox reminiscing about how bouncy her ass was."

I shut my eyes. The monkey must have really gone to town on those drums. "Damn it. How'd you know about that?"

There was a pause full of considered surprise.

"I made it up. But don't worry. I've got a place for you to hide out while he cools down."

"I hope you can act."

"It's late, I'm tired, and I want to go to bed."

2004-06-23T00:50:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quote was from "Clerks."
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I have been filming all week, getting up early in the morning and driving half an hour away and back. I am tired. There will be a Blogrest until shooting is done. This will hopefully be Friday, though I may not post until Saturday. I regret this lapse in service. Got a problem with it? I submit that you shove that problem where the sun does not shine. Under the sink, for example--what were you thinking?

"This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."

2004-06-18T19:15:00.000-04:00

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Last post's movie quote was from Star Wars. "The Force is strong in this one."
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I shot a short film I've entitled "Soundtrack" yesterday. It featured Jeremy (9 yrs, my brother) in hip-hop garb, gettin' his groove on, walking down the sidewalk. Meanwhile, James (6 yrs, my other brother) walking down the same sidewalk, bedecked in a leather vest and a cowboy hat. Each has his own musical theme. For Jeremy, either "Stand Up" or "Shake Ya Tailfeather," off the Bad Boys II soundtrack. For James, Moby's "That's When I Reach For My Revolver," or "Sadhana," off one of my Mom's classical guitar records. They meet. They quarrel. Since it's a silent film, you don't hear any dialogue, just their music going back and forth, one louder, then the other.

At this point I turn the corner. I'm wearing sunglasses, shorts, Tevas, a Hawaiian shirt with the top few buttons open, a Panama, and I am completely oblivious, drunk and stoned into insensibility. I walk right through their argument, my "Cheeseburger in Paradise" overpowering their music. They look after me, then edge offscreen in embarrassment. The End. I liked how it turned out. I need to edit it sometime.
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Installment 3

I hesitated. "Are they good actors?" She looked offended.

"All my actors are good actors." Then she hesitated as well. "Well, alright, there were a few that I was glad to see dead...but the majority I need. This has got to stop."

"Whaddaya want me to do about it?"

"I want you to find out who's killing my actors and stop him!"

"But you're from Gate City? I'm one of Kronston's watchmen, I can't leave my post."

"I'll pay five hundred golds per week, plus expenses."

"I don't subcontract. I'm not a freelancer anymore."

Alandria pursed her lips in thought. I mused on what they would feel like on my skin. "That's a shame..." she said. "I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner."

I was surprised by her sudden acceptance of my verdict, but I quite rarely turn down a dinner invitation from a girl as gorgeous as this. Broads are so random. "Sounds good to me," I said, leering in my most charming manner.

"Good," she said, snapping her fingers. I was puzzled by what this meant, but I didn't have to wait long to find out. My thoughts suddenly scattered all over the place as the dame's hired goon gave me a love tap with a lead-weighted blackjack. My lights went out faster than an alcoholic locked in a brewery.

How the hell was I supposed to know she meant dinner--in Gate City?

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

2004-06-15T00:39:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quote was from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," which like the other two, was not as good as the book. This quote may also be painfully obvious, but some may not get it *cough* Jenn *cough*.
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More funny animals!
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Coming soon from a bunch of asshole parody filmmakers near you: Divine Clerks! Jesus is Dante. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" St. Peter is Randall. Snootchin' it to the nootch, it's Satan and Silent God. "I'm gonna corrupt this soul, I'm gonna corrupt that soul, I'm gonna corrupt ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"
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Installment 2

"Who wants to know?"

"I'm Alandria. I run the Prism Theater in Gate City. Lately we--" She was interrupted by a the loud sound of wood breaking. Over someone's head. I held up a finger.

"Could you hold that thought?"

Kahnrad was having his arms and legs held by four burly goblins. The other two were taking turns breaking things over his head. Maybe they wanted what was inside. But Kahnrad's head is a tough nut to crack. I hustled over.

I grabbed one the goblin holding Kahnrad's left leg and punched it in the face. Then I hit two more goblins with him. The other three prepared for battle. By this, I mean one prepared for battle while the other two edged backwards while the brave one distracted me. I picked up a table and threw it like a discus, folding the three goblins like a bad hand of poker. Kahnrad got painfully to his feet.

"I'm surprised you could take your eyes off that piece of work long enough to figure out that you should be giving a shit about your partner," Kahnrad groused. I shrugged and walked back to Alandria.

"I'm the Maceman. What do you want?"

Alandria's mouth twisted. "I'll get right to the point, Mr. Mace. Somebody is killing my actors."

2004-06-10T17:39:00.000-04:00

Check out this link. Monkey, you especially.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

2004-06-10T02:16:00.000-04:00

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Ok, don't everybody jump on this at once. I try to make my quotes guessable, but sometimes I go too far I think. Last quote was from "Equilibrium."
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Since I don't have a lot of interesting stuff to post from my personal life at the moment, I'm going to write a short story. Every post will have an installment, excepting exceptions. I don't have a title yet. That's something I want help from you guys on. Give me your ideas and your opinions on the titles I come up with. So far I'm thinking "No Business Like Show Business."

Enjoy Installment 1.

I was having my head pounded against the wall when the broad walked in.

She was tall for a woman, wide across the shoulders but small in the waist. She had an hourglass figure, but her assets couldn't hide the muscle contained in her powerful frame. Her eyes were a bit slanted, but big and brown at the same time. Not from around here, evidently. She wore loose silk robes in tan and brown that complented her long black hair. The phrase "black as a raven's wing" was invented for hair like that. I didn't see a weapon.

My view was obscured as the orc with his hand buried in my braids snapped my head backward for another tap on the wall. There were a few dents in in already from previous knocks. He should have used the floor instead. It was harder.

I went with the motion, leaning back and grabbing his ears. I swung a foot over my other leg, pivoting the foot still on the floor, and wrenched his head around. I must have pulled a bit too hard, because one of his ears came off. Oops.

The orc bellowed in rage and pain. I bravely kicked him in the nadgers. He fell to the floor, clutching himself. I kicked him in the face for good luck.

The broad stared, obviously somewhat horrified. I stumbled to the bar and took the cold ale that the barman, Mallet, offered me. I took a long draught. She approached the bar hesitantly, still staring at me but trying not to. I drained the pint and slammed the mug on the bar, giving her a challenging stare.

She turned to Mallet. His appearance, that of a bulldog that ran into walls a few too many times, did not help to put her at his ease. "Ah...excuse me, I'm looking for the gentleman they call 'The Maceman?' I was told to look here."
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"A joke! He made a joke."

2004-06-10T01:42:00.000-04:00

"I'm not feeling! He is the one who's feeling!"

2004-06-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quoted movie was "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels." Get it!

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I stayed up until 8 in the morning today/last night. I was going to try and stay up all day, but I gave up.

This evening I went to dinner with my family, Dad's manager and Dad's manager's wife, and a couple of collectors of Dad's work. Sadly I was seated next to my seven-year-old brother. He was poking me throughout the meal, hoping fo a reaction, as he said. I held it in, and the next time he gives me shit he'll get the built-up reaction. GodDAMN I'm gonna clobber the little fucker. Arrh.
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"Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked. "

2004-06-06T04:30:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quoted movie was "Heist." A few more great quotes: "You know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road crossed the chicken."

Coffee Cart Man: Hey buddy. You forgot your change.
Joe Moore: [Takes the change] Makes the world go round.
Bobby Blane: What's that?
Joe Moore: Gold.
Bobby Blane: Some people say love.
Joe Moore: Well, they're right, too. It is love. Love of gold.

This movie looks fucking awesome.
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Well, here's an experience. I went to see harry Potter with a friend. The movie itself was excellent. It looked good, very good cinematography, which counts for a lot in my book. Daniel Radcliffe is still a sucky actor, but whaddaya gonna do. Thank God they changed directors. The fact that it was good only heightened the agony of what follows.

About halfway through the movie, there was no picture. I thought it was a dramatic darkness, but when it went on for 5 minutes I realized my error, as did the rest of the audience. So about half the audience went out and bitched. The reel guy said he'd rewind it and turn the picture back on. He did the latter but neglected the former, the FUCKER. So it's playing for a bit, and I'm enjoying the Quidditch, when it happens again. Then the lights come on. And the guy says you can get refunds tomorrow, blah blah blah. This totally FUCKING ruins the movie-going experience, you know?

One of these days those two self-righteous pricks will wake up to find men with cold eyes and colder guns standing over them, informing them that "Mr. Kuhn is VERY DISPLEASED." And the speaker's partner will take the safety off his big fucking gun in a very menacing way, and the fuckers will realize that they really shouldn't have ruined J. Kuhn's movie-going experience.

So on the way home I stopped at PS211. It was goth night. I saw one chick who was topless, excepting pasties.

I'm down with that.

...Unfortunately, so were they. I'm not cool with that. But they probably were. If not cool with that, at least cool in general. It was a breezy night.

So, I start talking to one of the guys who runs the place, Will. Will was wearing a skirt, black hose, and a corset for the occasion, with black lipstick. His Tevas, full beard and copious body hair (all of it red) completed the effect. I wish I'd gotten a picture, it was fucking hilarious. Of course I told him he made a smokin' hot bitch, because obvious lies are funny. We call this irony. Or possibly idiocy.

Now, to get right to the point: he knew a guy who knew a bunch of people who might want their music in a movie. So, I got the hookup and hopefully I have music sources now.

"My motherfucker is so cool, when he goes to bed, sheep count him."

2004-06-04T14:24:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quoted movie was Return of the King. No compliment neccessary. Another quote from the movie quoted above: "Everybody needs money! That's why they call it money!"
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I had to make a sign and it on my door: "NO! I do not know where (Insert name Here) is! GO AWAY!" I thought about putting in various curse words for emphasis, but I'd have to take it down then and it would clutter things up anyway. My slightly more emphasized version: "NO! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK WHOEVER YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS! FUCK OFF!"

My siblings do this thing where they knock on my door and ask where Mom is, or Jeremy, or Jessica, or whoever. And I've gotta turn off my music (or possibly porn) for THIS? WHY!? If the person you're looking for is not in my room, and in all probability they are not, why would I know where they are? Even if I HADN'T been in my room all day, I still am not aware of everybody's exact goddamn presence at this moment. I don't tag my family and track them with radar! Why the hell would I want to do that? It's hard enough getting away from them!

Good fucking grief.

As a break from all the enragement, let me tell you something: Never hit your mother witha shovel. It leaves a big impression on her mind.

Ok, not much of a break. G'day.

"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me!"

2004-06-02T22:48:00.000-04:00

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Imagine hearing the above quote spoken and being chilled with excitement to the bone, nay, to the very marrow, and mayhap you will know what film I quote. Yesterday's quoted movie was Batman. Man, the Joker had so many great lines. "You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?"
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I think it would be really cool to write a book as a blog. One would post it all in segments, with the story planned out beforehand. The intriguing twist? The readers don't know it's going to be a book. This way, you could use choice commments as footnotes (their comments might be their intellectual property though) and include the reactions to your blog from other blogs in the book. It could be tough getting their permission, but still. It'd be a great change to the journal format (in which books have assuredly been written).

The tough part would be maintaining an identity. Say you decided to make your protaginist a Shaolin monk. How does the monk (for all purposes you) have Internet access? Where did he learn to speak English? Why is his English so damn good? That kind of thing. You would have to assume all the characteristics you'd laid out for the protaginist in the beginning and never, ever break character, except maybe in the course of the character maturing. Keeping it to yourself would be torture, at least for I think it would for me. Still, it's an idea...my fake blogger would be, let's see...ah, ah! Not telling!
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"Where does he get those wonderful toys? "

2004-06-02T01:23:00.000-04:00

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Last post's quoted movie was Shrek. Great film.
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A comment I made on TJ's Place that I thought was worth reposting:

"Here's a similar, but less subtle, trick: get somebody to open your carbonated beverage for you. There's a routine that goes with this.

Get two cans of whatever, shake one up, babble about being the God of Carbonation (or whatever you want to babble about) for a couple of minutes (at least sixty seconds), then open the shook one right under your friend's nose. it won't do anything, because the drink will have calmed down. Then hold the other one out to your "friend." He pulls the tab and it spews all over him, completely drenching the poor mofo.

Here's the trick: You squeezed the can as he opened it. You also pulled it away so the drink was escaping through the smallest possible opening. You didn't squeeze it hard enough that one can tell it's been squeezed, though--maybe enough for a slight dent that could be chalked up to air pressure and stuff.

Voila, friends for life."
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Kevin said something the other day about how he uses too many of those separating lines, and that they're lazy.

So what's your point, Kev? Get over it. After all, if I use 'em they must be fine, eh?
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Still shooting. I did some really nice voiceovers. I make a great gumshoe. At least when voice acting.

"The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are."

"Some of you may die...but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. "

2004-05-30T15:53:00.000-04:00

Last night's quoted movie was Troy. Lots of tragic heroes in that one, I tell ya.
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I just got up (4:30 PM), because it's vacation and all. I put on my bathrobe. After a second, I realized...

There was something in the pocket.

Before you preempt me, it not a 14-inch-dildo or similar outrageously humorous evidence of getting drunk and having something done I'd regret in the morning. That would have been noticed long before what was actually in my pocket anyway. What was actually in there had not been noticed for some time, because I didn't remember putting it there.

It was a twenty-dollar bill, y'all. What did I do to deserve such happiness?
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"Immortality! Take it! IT'S YOUR'S!"

2004-05-29T23:14:00.001-04:00

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Yestrday's quoted movie was Pulp Fiction.
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I'm working a show at PS211 right now. Real folk pop stuff. I tried to audioblog it, but I couldn't hear anything, so I don't know which part I recorded. I've only seen one show at this place so far that I actually liked. But they rocked. www.valyumm.net
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The footage I shot last night turned out great. Sure, the lamp looked too hot, and it blurred up the picture in spots, but I'll know to avoid that next time. My little brother gave a stellar performance as a hardened gumshoe, cheating at solitaire and downing a shot of vodka (which is transparent, like water).
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2004-05-29T23:14:00.000-04:00

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? "

2004-05-28T20:02:00.000-04:00

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Yesterday's quoted movie was Rat Race. It KILLED me, it was so incredibly funny. My little brother almost pissed his pants watching it. "It ees a race! I am weening!" You gotta go rent it. Wayne Knight, John Cleese, Amy Smart, the Mr. Bean guy, Seth Green...talk about your all-star cast. Get it.
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Dad just gave me a camera. A cute little FireWire-capable DV camera, with an extra-large battery pack and a wide-angle lens and stuff. Much better than Mom's Betacam, and much better than what I had planned to buy on my budget. Joy. So I gotta get some stuff done.
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If you're considering buying a Mac, there are some things you should know (listen up, Yoli). While the Mac is virtually crash-proof, and fast, (we're talking about recent models here), and all of it's software works together seamlessly, and it's quieter than a PC, and it's really sexy-looking (there's a drool tray you can buy) there are some things you should know. Wait, I already said that.

The downsides are--I mean, the downside is--there may be programs that only work with the PC that you cannot install on a Mac, like the aforementioned Produce Panic. The Mac comes with it's own version of the Microsoft Office suite, Apple Works, so you'll have a word processor and something to do spreadsheets on. If you want to do graphics editing of some sort, it's great for that too. In fact it comes with a suite of programs specifially for that--iMovie and iDVD and iPhoto, iBlahblahblahblah. And so on. However, I wouldn't reccomend it as a gaming machine, as the selection of games for the Mac is shit. You've got--Halo and...uhm. I'd have to go look the other three up on the internet (seriously, there are quite a few, you'd be surprised at how many, but nowhere near the number for the PC). That's basically what you need to know if you're planning on getting a Mac.

Oh, yeah--the operating system is a little different. The Dock, for instance. And the taskbar that acts as both start menu and menu for whatever program you're. But that's efficient.

"I can do whatever I want. I'm eccentric. Grr!"

2004-05-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

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"I've just decided--I'm going to put a hotel on Park Place."

"You're not even playing!"

"Playing what?"

The movie I'm quoting here will be revealed tomorrow.
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I am getting fuck-all done. Mom's Betacam isn't compatible with the Mac (thank God, because it sucks) so I need a DV camera. I think Dad can hook me up.

Anyway, Macintosh computers come preinstalled with two games: Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 and Deimos Rising. DR is a Space Invaders clone (with good graphics and stuff). Pro Skater is a shitload of fun, and I've been playing a lot, doing missions and stuff. Boy, that's descriptive. You go up to people and get things to do, such as "get 40,000 points in two minutes," and then go do them. I got 37,000 points once. Workin' on it.

Blogger can take their software, burn it to a CD-R, and stick it up their ass.

2004-05-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

...Do you know how it feels to have someone tell you to stick a CD-R up your ass?

That was a reference, but not to a movie. I had a post I was working on here and I came back to it and it was GONE, just GONE, fucking GONE, and it annoyed me a little bit, if by "annoyed me a little bit" you mean FUCKING PISSED ME OFF!

Sigh. On the upside, the problems I've been struggling with concerning my Mac Mail client have been fixed. That's right: I gave into my hatred. I used my aggressive feelings. I let the hate flow through me.

I got a G4 iMac. I am now one with the Dark Side.

And DAMN, it feels good. Granted, I'm fucked as far as games go, but I don't buy games anyway. And it's a good platform for my favorite first-person shooter, Halo. I need to invest in a copy. But all I can do is hope they come out with a Mac version of Produce Panic, because it's strictly PC right now.

massive errors

2004-05-26T03:12:00.000-04:00

The paste messed it up or something. Maybe I'll fix it later.

"Greetings from The Humungus! The Lord Humungus! The Warrior of the Wasteland! The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla!"

2004-05-25T04:29:00.000-04:00

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The quote is relevant, I'll have you know. I present: The TravelBlog. Little did I know I could have audioblogged over the cell phone until I was already home. Whoops.
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TravelBlog

Teusday, 4:10 AM 5/11/04

The Utah odyssy is off to an eventful start. I was conversing with a few online friends when I checked the outside drive for the shuttle that was going to take us to the train. I checked and looked again. A limo! Dad doesn't do things small. The ride was a first time experience for all of us. The driver, Flynt, was a genial, easy-going fellow. He was of the opinion that the Amtraks are short trains, which is why they get places fast. Short trains...Anything like the short bus?

The train itelf is hell. It sways and things inside vibrrate and rattle. The seats donÂt give good back support at all.
I have found my own private hell.
IÂm going to pass out now anyway. We havenÂt even reached our first stop yet. Our last stop will be DC, where we will take a nine-hour stopover to see the mueseums and perhaps meet a few muggers. Snore.

Teusday, 9:55 PM 5/11/04

I got approximately two and a haalf hours of sleep. My effort was encumbered by my seat, which was superficially comfortable but ultimately the passive-aggressive version of an Iron Maiden.
We got off the train, put our bags in a holding area, and went off to see The Museum of Natural History. Fun, fun! Interestingly enough, I saaw more hot babes in the ÂGenealogy and MineralsÂ exhibit than anywhere else (well, the sidewalk was full of Âem; it was well up in the 80Âs). Maybe it had something to do with all the huge diamonds on display. I suspect the display specimens are fakes though. No use giving a larcenous induvidual ideas. As a side note, I saw some blue caterpillars as long as my finger and about as round. Dad wanted us to go see the exibit at the Museum of American History that had one of his pieces in it, but the exhibit was closed.
As a souvenier of my visit to the Natural History, I bought a 1.5Â sharkÂs tooth. I think IÂll use it as a countering talisman against lawyers.
After much tromping about, we finally got back to the train station (with the help of a cabbie). We boarded a huge double-decker train and I inspected my accomadations. IÂve had larger closets, but it had a reclining seat so I plopped down to rest my weary dogs. After a bit of staring out the window and eating of snack food, I dozed off. I awoke to a dinner call. Pretty good, for a transportation service, and a damn sight better than airplane food. When I came back to my room-no, make that cabinÂno, make that berthÂI was pleasantly surprised to find the two seats facing each other had been made into a bed, something I hadnÂt been able to accomplish. IÂm going to take advantage of it now and make up for what I lost.

Wenesday, 3:00 PM 5/12/04

We switched trains in Chicago. We hadd enough time to take a minivan cab out to the local Whole Foods and get some nice healthy snacks. IÂm pretty sure I got the snakc with the least amount of health quotient availableÂyogurt-covered pretzels (a wonderful salt/sweet combo) sugared dried papaya, dried pinapple. Tasty but gas inducing, no doubt.
The train bathrooms are absolute shit (think of the potential vodka ad there). TheyÂre tiny, of course, and they smell. NoÂactually, they donÂt smell. You smell. I smell. These STINK. Dad pointed out another disadvantage as well. When youÂre attempting to piss in a small hole a foot wide, sudden lurches are extremely incondusive to your aim.Luckily I chose the correct moment, namely a stop, to use the facilities and thus had to deal only with the smellÂa combination of human waste and cleaning agent.
This train apparently has a name: the California Zephyr. Thing is, weÂre not going anywhere near California, and I donÂt think that the final destination is anywhere in CaliforniaÂmaybe somebody just likes California. I donÂt know why; people are weird. In any case, theyÂre very definite about smoking here on the Zephyr. I like how the captain put it: ÂPlease do not jeopardize your ability to continue your journey aboard the California Zephr by smoking.Â
Train travel has itÂs advantages. YouÂve got foot room, a lounge car, a dining car, and if you paid a little more for a sleeper berth, a nice place to sleep. IÂm in the lounge car hoping to meet somebody, but as IÂm typing away at this blog for future posting IÂm not having much luck. Nobody my age anyway, and a low quotient of babes. IÂm not talking about infants here.
Then the disadvantages. Besides the bathrooms, thereÂs the lurching. Let me talk more about the lurching. Well, of course youÂre going to let me talk more about it; you the future readership (however many readers I may have, thereÂs nothing for them to read right now because this ainÂt posted yet) are a rather silent member of this particular conversation.
Now, the lurching. Sea legs are required, at least if you want to look cool and walk through the train without leaning on stuff. Since I spent a little time on a small ship, I have sea legs and thus look cool. Of course, I always do. The lurching is tolerable, and you get used to it after a while. It woke me up a few times during the night. The troubling thing is, what causes all this bumping and lurching? Was that great big one in the night some wiseguys throwing bodies in front of the train? ÂNah, that wouldnÂt have been a big bump at all. Maybe branches across the tracks? IÂve never seen any. Must be irregularities in the machinery translating to the cars. Not comforting. Oh well, weÂve been a few hundred miles and we ainÂt crashed yet. Signing off.

Thursday, 1:25 AM 5/13/04

An eventful day. I went back to the lounge car after a bit and met a couple of computer engineers. ÂYoung professionalsÂ as the phrase goes. One of them had a frequency scanner, so he could listen to what the guys on the train were saying. Ooooh, espionage.
I also met an animator. We hit it offÂtalked for hours. Apparently the only thing he lacks in his personal projects is a writer. ThatÂs a funny thing, because the only thing I lack is an artist. We exchanged e-mail addresses. There was a cute chick that we were talking to, alsoÂshe made fun of me a lot. Either IÂm just inherently an easy target for comedy, or that means she likes me. I get a lot of chicks making fun of me. I think IÂll go with the second hypothesis.
There was a guy who got kicked off of the train. He was in coach, naturally. He wore a wifebeater, it was probably appropriate, and a yellow shirt. Both were too short for him. I heard later that he was in an argument with somebody outside in the train station. This is evidently what he was referring to when he smacked his fist into his palm so hard his watch came off, I shit you not. ThatÂs not what he was kicked off the train for, thoughÂhe got kicked off because of his baggie of coke.

Thursday, 11:25 AM 5/13/04

It should be Fridday right now but because we entered the west coast time zone, we lost an hour. So IÂm efficient.
Today was a fucking eternity. It was kind of enjoyable, but it seemed to go on forever. IÂve gotten no work done on the scripts. We should be pulling into Salt Lake City in about twenty minutes. IÂll be glad to be back in a somewhat controlled enviroment. IÂve met some more interesting people, though. Byron and Case, a couple of unique induviduals if there ever were. Father and son, but they met up later in life so theyÂre more like old buddies. Both have done jail time, for what I donÂt know. Probably got drunk and did something stupid, the both of ÂemÂtheyÂre party animals. IÂve spent more time talking to Case. HeÂs a smoker, by which I mean that he smokes, but he also smokes, if you know what I mean. Not so much a pothead, but a smoker. HeÂll come out with a bit of profoundity every now and again, but I have yet to discern a point. Nice guy, anyway. Has one of those Âcolorful backgrounds.Â

Friday, 3:00 PM 5/14/04

WeÂve debarked the train and regained the SUV. ItÂs like a piece of home. Still not quite the same, but I feel a bit more in control. Indirectly anywayÂIÂm not driving, or even in shotgun.
My brother has the absolute worst sense of humor, the sense of humor of a seven-year-old. He doesnÂt get jokes, and he doesnÂt get puns, the traditional starting point of a young humorist. He absolutely doesnÂt grasp the conceptÂhe thinks you can make up knock-knock jokes on the spot.

ÂKnock-knock.Â

ÂThereÂs nobody homeÂOw! Shit, Dad, did you have to kick so hard? ÂWhoÂs there?Â

ÂÂDonkey.Â

ÂDonkey who?Â

ÂÂDonkey you wanna ride me?Â

ThatÂs a James joke. Either that, or anything containing the words having to do with human functions and organs. They donÂt have to really do anything, they can just be there. Rather like that one painting, ÂBlack Box On White Canvas.Â

HeÂs sort of an abstract humorist.

Monday, 10:00 PM 5/17/04

After an eventful weekend at the Sundance Resort, weÂre leaving for home tomorrow morning.

Signing off.

No, really, hereÂs what we did. First off, we went to the therapist. She seemed to know what she was talking about, but the whole thing kinda creeped me out. She was in a wheelchair because of some nerve damage, and she had a German accent. The really creepy part was that she was a bit heavy on the religion thing. The screensaver on her computer was a series of pastoral scenes with bible quotes. This was annoying. The part that really got my goat was when she said that three or four of Steven SpielburgÂs screenwriters had moved to Ohio or some damn thing and were making Christian films because of all the garbage heÂs been putting out. This she heard from a screenwriter who had solicited her services and was supposedly one of the defectorsÂnay, traitors, I say.
OK: What the fuck is a ÂChristian film?Â Does Mel GibsonÂs recent flick count? That would probably be the only one IÂve ever seen. What about ÂPowder?Â Seriously, what the fuck qualifies a film as ÂChristian?Â Maybe it has to be arrogant and hypocritical.
ÂGarbage?Â GARBAGE? What garbage? Oh, garbage like ÂCatch Me If You Can,Â and ÂMinority Report?Â Yeah. That Speilburg has really gone down the tubes recently.
Anyway, far as I can tell, she was blowing smoke. Like a lot of religious people IÂve met. Sam excepted.

Now the good stuff. We rode the ski lift up and down the mountain at he Sundance Resort. That was good, clean, pants-shitting fun. The next day my family went horseback-riding while I went down to the deli for a sandwich and some alone time. That afternoon I went mountain biking. This entailed riding the lift up the mountain, grabbing my bike off the next lift, and riding down the mountain. IÂll tell ya, from the lift it looks like a piece of cake but there are lot of goddamn rocks you canÂt see. I spent most of my time braking. I never fell off, or flipped overÂI just dismounted awkwardly a few times. The next day my sit bones gave me twinges every time I sat down.
Speaking of the next day (which was todayÂwe wasted away a day I think) the men of te family went kayaking. This entailed getting in inflatable tourist watercraft and steering down the Provo River while trying to deal with someone in front who thinks he knows what heÂs doing, the little bastard. I had my brother with me. The ÂkayaksÂ were self-bailing, which meant that as soon as you sat down in Âem you received a nice cold dose of mountain water, about like I had to shower with the first morning. IÂd come prepared in swim trunks, but my dad was wearing jeans, underwear, thick socks and leather shoes. He got a bit damp.
The kicker was that mom was fifty minutes late picking us up. Dad was very biting when she finally got there, and I had a few things to say as well. I enjoyed getting back into some warmer clothes though.

Friday, 10:30 PM 5/22/04

After a leisurly stop in Sante Fe, New Mexico, weÂre heading home tomorrow. And according to Dad, itÂs ÂBookinÂ itÂ time. That means IÂll get behind the wheel and stare at the road for hours at a time with Mom sitting beside me going ÂBoth hands on the wheelÂ Âslow downÂ ÂpassÂ Âspeed upÂÂ But no matter. WeÂre seriously going home. No more of this vacation shit. I could be at home getting stuff done, but instead IÂm reduced to window shopping? Torture!

On Sante Fe: thereÂs lots of adobe in the arcitecture. ThereÂs a fair amount of nice resturaunts. The weather is pleasant. I bought ÂThe Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook,Â a honkinÂ big square buffalo-hide wallet that comfortably holds all my one dollar bills, business cards, and assorted bullshit, and a gift for a girl back home. If she doesnÂt like it, I like it, so bonus either way I guess. I wasnÂt quite sure what sheÂd like, so I purchased something pretty that I liked. IÂd be a bit more specific, but since I put a link to The Reel Deal in my AIM profile, she may know of the existence of the blog already. In any case, itÂs a good gift.
On the Southwest in general: The sky is ÂEE-NOUR-MOUSÂ as Dad keeps telling people on the phone. What he seems to mean by this is that thereÂs nothing to obstruct your view of it.

Eh. You get used to it.

What I donÂt get used to is how many babes there are in the area. Maybe there are just as many back home, but since IÂm out of my element IÂm not as confident and IÂm therefore more acutely aware of them?

What makes more sense is that there were a lot of them at Sundance because they weere hoping to be in a movie.

What makes even more sense is that IÂm merely starved of female attention. How pathetic. How possible.

Perfect movie idea: a group of friends are holed up in the basement of a suburban house, consuming junk food, playing video games, and cursing each other (ÂOh, you little sniper BITCH! YouÂre gonna pay. ÂHAH! Eat my motherfuckinÂ rocket!Â etc). Then the power goes out. Of course itÂs nighttime. They decide to go for a walk in the neighborhood. There they begin having encounters with soome characters we all know and love: Frankenstein, Dracula, zombies, the creature from the black lagoon, the Mummy, and othersÂor at least their descendents. The monster kids are of the opinion that suburbia is the area to terrorize, since suburban monsters like Freddy Kruger, Jason, and people in cheap halloween masks are all the rage now. The protaginists help the monsters solve their problem and all is well, but not before some comedy, of course. ÂPardon, can you direct me to Elm Street?Â

ItÂs perfect because it could take placce in an hour-long time span, it has comedic potential, the costumes wouldnÂt be hard to do, the location would be easy, and the lighting would be easy and fun as well. Not necessarily the epitome of everything a film should be, merely the perfect movie idea for my purposes. Should be pretty good though.

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

2004-05-25T01:08:00.000-04:00

"It's an unlicensed boxing match. It's not a tickling competition. These lads are out to hurt each other."

2004-05-10T16:13:00.000-04:00

______________________________________

Well, I never claimed I would always reference the movie in that ridiculously easy "sustitute the word 'title' for every key word" format, did you?

If it'll help you any more...

"I fail to recognize the correlation between "losing 10K", "hospitalizing Gorgeous" and "a good deal."--same movie referenced above.
_____________________________________

I'm out of school. I'm pretty happy about it.

I also took the Camera/Lighting final exam today. I think I did pretty good. I'm tryin' to get together some of the lads so we can watch all the footage we shot this year. I'm not havin' that much luck.
_____________________________________

Intermission

2004-05-09T13:15:00.000-04:00

How about a little contest? The person who can name the most movies that I reference in my post titles gets a small prize, say, a little poem or limerick dedicated to them. I know they've been easy so far, but upcoming titles will stretch the limits of your knowlege. I'll reference old movies, new movies, obscure indie movies, and movies that won't come out for years yet. I'll do my best not to do any double references--"The Last Title" could be any number of movies, for example. In exchange, please use only what you know already. No IMDB, no Googling! That takes all the fun out of it.

The contest begins now. Since I get back at the end of May (update on that: I don't think my friend will be able to do it, so I may be silent for the duration) the contest will end June 30th.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Titles

2004-05-09T02:14:00.000-04:00

_____________________________________
I'd say I had a hot date today, but that wouldn't be correct; it is technically tomorrow. Therefore, I had a hot date yesterday.

My position on dating has always been "Be patient; you're bound to meet somebody." Somebody in this case meaning "Attractive, intelliegent, shares a few of my interests, laughs at my stupid jokes, is single." That last one seems to be the biggest problem. My motto didn't stop me from pursuing a few anyway, some apathetically, some persistently (it was a hobby of mine to try and come up with new come-ons every time I talked to one girl, for years. It was funny. In a sad way).

I could go on, but suffice it to say I met somebody who meets that description. What can I say? That's what I'm asking myself. I mean, considering I might give her the blog address and then she'll read what I've written here. A conundrum.

In a nutshell, I'm looking forward to seeing her again. Not least because I've forgotten what she looks like (I vaguely recall a great smile and a cute hairdo). I rather enjoy it though, it's kind of like I'm meeting her for the first time every time I see her. Interestingly enough, I'm remembering and then forgetting right now it's the strangest thing. I recall--got it! ...Gone.

Anyway, there's a little info on my social life for ya.
___________________________________

Everybody on the internet needs to read this.

Maybe someday we can make language a complete impediment to understanding. A great little translation app.

Testing...testing...1 pWN y0U, 1 W1LL h4xOR J00r B0xXOr! PhUCK1N' nOoB!

Translation? "I live in my parent's basement and have never kissed a girl." Yeah, it's a tough dialect.
_____________________________________

I've seen a lot of trailers for romantic comedies and romances and so on in the past month. I want to see most of them, despite myself. It's time to face facts: I ain't nothin' but a sap. Kind of depressing.

Well, OK, not that depressing really.

Title Fiction

2004-05-07T14:05:00.001-04:00

_________________________________________
Final class of Art Department Operations today. We turned in our projects and then we all went to breakfast together--all four of us, that's including the teacher. I love small classes.
_________________________________________

I watched a movie called "The Cooler" recently. Nice camerawork, especially in the finale, and good lighting (it does its job). The story is excellent, nice and complicated just the way I like 'em. The acting performances here are mezmerizing, they just draw you in and make you care. Very deep and substantial characters also.

To give you a taste: William H. Macy plays the unluckiest man ever. His contract with the wiseguy casino owner (Alec Baldwin) is up in a week. When it's up, he's out. But a beautiful (and I mean beautiful) cocktail waitress comes into the picture and things get a little complicated. Alec does a great job with his character. The guy may break bones and manipulate people, but he does have some sort of honor. That guy from "Office Space" does a nice job playing a little prick of a wiseguy, too.

If you like good movies, this is one you absolutely cannot miss. Would I lie to you?

Well, yeah, but watch it anyway.
_________________________________________

I recieved a chain letter recently. What struck me was that I almost fell for it. But I did a quick bit of research and debunked it easily. Here's my reply:

***

I called the numbers contained in the e-mail. They don't work. Intel and
Microsoft may have trade agreements, but they are not the same company.
Same goes for Intel and AOL. What's more, none of these could companies
would afford these kind of expenditures, nor could they actually track the
e-mail.

Quote: " America Online responded by denouncing the warning as a hoax and
declaring that email tracking as described in the message is "impossible."

The sites I quoted:
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/weekly/aa051299.htm
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/weekly/aa081298.htm

Quote:
"Technological barriers aside, if anyone could afford the computing power to
track chain letters, it would be companies like Microsoft or Disney. But why
would they want to? The circulation of a chain letter is unpredictable and
unstoppable. It grows at a logarithmic rate. For example, say I launch a
chain letter by sending it to 10 people, who each forward it to 10 more
people within a day of receiving it, as does every subsequent recipient.
Here's the number of mailings I'd have to track and record in just eight
days:

Day 1: 100
Day 2: 1,000
Day 3: 10,000
Day 4: 100,000
Day 5: 1,000,000
Day 6: 10,000,000
Day 7: 100,000,000
Day 8: 1,000,000,000
--------------------
Total: 1,111,111,110
Yep, that's over a billion mailings — over a billion email addresses to
retrieve, sort, and store in just over a week. And then there's the cash
pay-outs to contend with! Mind you, no one chain letter can possibly achieve
such a circulation, given that it's larger than the entire Internet
population at present, but the numbers demonstrate that the tracking of any
reasonably successful chain letter presents logistical headaches that far
outweigh any possible benefits to the companies allegedly involved."

and the BIG IMPORTANT QUOTE, notice how it's almost word-for-word the same
as the one you sent me (the link to back it up:
http://www.f-secure.com/hoaxes/bgetrack.shtml):

"Another widespread variant of the hoax:

Subject: FW: PLEEEEEASE READ!!!!! It was on the news!
SORRY EVERYBODY.....JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!!

I'm an attorney, and I know the law. This thing is for real.
Rest assured
AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of
facing a multimillion dollar class action suit similar to the one
filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago.

Dear Friends,
Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates is sharing his
fortune. If you ignore this you will repent later. Microsoft and AOL
are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure
that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft
and AOL are running an e-mail beta test. When you forward this e-mail
to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft
Windows user) for a two week time period. For every person that you
forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00, for every
person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you
$243.00 and for every third person that receives it, you will be paid
$241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your
address and then send you a cheque. Regards.
XXX
I thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks after receiving this
e-mail and forwarding it on, Microsoft contacted me for my address and
within days, I received a cheque for US$24,800.00. You need to
respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this
Bill Gates is the man. It's all marketing expense to him. Please
forward this to as many people as possible. You are bound to get at
least US$10,000.00. We're not going to help them out with their
e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time. My
brother's girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I went to
visit him for the Baylor/UT game. She showed me her check. It was
for the sum of $4,324.44 and was stamped "Paid In Full". Like I said
before, I know the law, and this is for real. Try it, what have you
got to lose????

This is a complete hoax. There is no way to track e-mail like this. Do not
forward the message."

An essay by Bill Gates himself on the subject:
http://urbanlegends.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.microsoft.com/billgates/columns/1998Essay/3%2D25col.asp

So think about it next time, please?

--Justin Kuhn

The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes.
Exclusive behind-the-scenes film school material.
Includes extra features available only at the Reel Deal.
Visit at http://reelbadjokes.com

***

Yeah, I have my blog in my sig alright. If you want to check those URLs out, feel free to paste 'em into your address bar, they'll work. Sorry, I don't feel like linking them. ...These spam things just annoy me immensely.

Indiana Title and the Last Title

2004-05-06T01:10:00.000-04:00

___________________________________
The last title...? Does this mean the end of the goofy movie references?

Hey. Does my body look dead to you?
___________________________________

I took a final today. Aced it. Got an A in the class (Grip & Electric, my favorite). Remember the class I dropped? Well, I didn't actually drop it, nor was I in time to drop it without penalty. I found this out Wenesday night, when the teacher took me out in the hall and informed me of the situation after I'd asked if she'd gotten my e-mails. Apparently the best option was to take the tests, give it my best shot, and see how it would turn out.

Well, I got my last quiz back with the final grade for the entire class on the back page. I looked on the back page. I saw some numbers, but none that seemed relevant to my situation. I walked over to Mrs. Fisher.

"I assume you didn't put my grade on the last page because I need to stay until ten and work on my web site."

"No, I put your grade on there."

"What...?" I looked at the last page. A number was circled. "This 92.75 is my grade?"

"Yup."

Outside, talking with a friend I'd made in the class, I remained incredulous. He told me that she'd told him that the websites (which I'd spent many a night procrastinating over into the wee hours, and of which I had approximately nothing) were not being graded. Well, DAMN!

About every ten minutes in the conversation, I'd erupt with a "Ninety-two point fucking SEVENTY-FIVE!"

Indiana Title and the Title of Doom

2004-05-05T12:42:00.000-04:00

__________________________________
May I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the Final Installment of "Nobody's Fool"

I leaned forward. "I'll tell you what, Nobody's Fool: you get out of town, tonight, and I don't throw your hairy ass into a cell. I can almost guarantee you'd meet some friends from the Fox."
"Do I get to keep the take?"
"A portion."
"I knew it was too good to be free," the dwarf grumbled. He opened his pouch and showed us the contents. A fair haul, but could have been better. More silver than gold. He handed each of us a large piece of his money pie.
"Can I go now?"
"Get outta here. And if we see you again later, you don't know us as anything but faces in the crowd."
He darted out the door. He made a surprisingly little amount of noise. He must have mastered the trick where you make people's belongings disappear from their homes at some point in his career.
Both Kahnrad and I put our profits from the evening in our money pouches. That is, we tried to; where our pouches had formerly hung, there were only leather straps. The only thing that broke the ensuing silence was the fading sound of the dwarf's mocking laughter.

And that wraps it up for this particular story.
______________________________________

I had the final today in Grip & Electric. It basically entailed making a shitload of lists and such. I aced it, nailed the practical also (What's wrong with this light? Yeah? OK, correct it).
______________________________________

I am soooo hungry, but Mom is making me food in exchange for me typing up a flier for her guitar orchestra performance. I typed up her flier a whole hell of a lot faster than she's making my food, let me tell you.

(This is reaching, I know) Indiana Title and the Raiders of the Lost Title

2004-05-04T19:02:00.000-04:00

_____________________________
Installment 11 of "Nobody's Fool"

The dwarf swallowed. "Phule. Nemo Phule." Kahnrad raised an eyebrow. He stood behind Nemo.
"You're a Clanless One?" he asked.
Nemo lowered his head. "Yes. I am cast out." Kahnrad himself was outcast, or presumably so. Deserters such as him and I were rarely welcomed back to our respective cultures.
Phule, meaning, literally, "fool," was the clan name a dwarf took when cast out. There was some sort of formal ceremony, and I gather Kahnrad never had one, which is why he still uses his clan name. Maybe they're waiting for him to come back so they can kick him out.
Nemo signifies "nobody." Evidently what this dwarf had done made him reluctant to let even his first name be bandied about.
__________________________________

Had the final on the most boring film class ever. I think I passed. If I have to take that shit again....

Also, There is a small chance I'll have to pay the damages on my car. Probably not, but if I do things will really suck.
____________________________________

Update on the Utah trip: We're going to Sundance. There will be hiking, and...hiking. Sightseeing as well, apparently. On the train, I'll have a room to myself. Hopefully this will keep me from killing anybody. Maybe I'll meet somebody interesting on the train around my age.

Sombody female.
___________________________________

Titles in Black

2004-05-03T18:53:00.000-04:00

______________________________________
Sorry for the no post on Sunday. Here is Installment 10 of "Nobody's Fool"

"But that's nothing to what they do to unlicensed pickpockets. Those they string up by the fingers. They cut off your nose and brand your face. Oh, and you'll get a few from the cat."
"Who is they?"
"I'll tell you...'they' are the bump in the night. The creak on the stair. The voice in the dark. The chill in your blood, the cold breeze that raises those hairs on the back of your neck."
"Oh, I wouldn't want to meet them, then?"
"I don't think so. But I'll tell you something else. While 'they' never formally introduced themselves to me, 'they' were not happy when I introduced myself to 'them'. Because, sooner or later...everybody need certain things explained. I've found I have a talent for that."
The dwarf's eyes widened. I leaned forward and gave him a friendly smile.
"So. Why don't you tell Uncle Mace your name?" I'm known as "The Maceman" or simply "The Mace" in Kronston because of the huge spiked hammer I carry.
___________________________________________

I seem to be in a dry period. Oh well...stream of consciousness. Camera and lighting today was fucking boring, I mean mind-numbing. There was a quiz and a review for the exam next week. Bleh.

You wanna see a good movie? Check out "Intolerable Cruelty." The photography is GREAT, and of course Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot. I especially liked the scene where the two lawyers were sneaking around carrying mace in the dark house made blue by moonlight (OK, by some HMIs, if you must know). The results were hilarious and predictable. Freddy Bender's actions at the end of the movie constitute some of the best comedy in the film. The head lawyer of the firm (or "foim" as he says) is brilliantly lit as well.

After seeing this movie for the second time, I have to admit that the plot isn't that complicated, and what really makes the movie good is the lighting. Of course, the characters and dialogue help. The script is really quite good. Just not hard to predict, evidently (Mom tried to ruin the movie by predicting everything that was going to happen--and being RIGHT, damn it!).

Title Wars: The Return of the Title

2004-05-01T18:30:00.000-04:00

_______________________________
Installment 9 of "Nobody's Fool"

They roared past our alley. Some ran down it but they missed the fool. I had already snatched him off his feet and ran around back and into the Dirtwater again. I set him down, and Kahnrad frog-marched him into the back room.
I shut the door and leaned against it. The fool looked apprehensive.
"Do you know what they do to people like you in these parts?" I asked, inspecting my nails.
"The same thing they do in any other dive in any other mountain town, I expect," the dwarf said.
"Pretty much. Did you see the guy behind the bar?"
"Looks like one of those ugly little dogs with squashed faces that rich society ladies have?"
"That's the one. He's Mallet O'Malley. He'll drown you in a street puddle and nail your beard and scalp to the wall like a hunting trophy."
The fool flinched. I made a note to use that story again sometime. It got good results.
____________________________________________

I have got nothing done today. At all.

Title Wars: The Title Strikes Back

2004-04-30T17:19:00.000-04:00

____________________________________
Installment 8 of "Nobody's Fool"

"Nobody's fool will now take your fortune." I put my hand on my money pouch. "As I whisper your fortune in your ear, fix it in your mind, for it shall surely come to pass in short order."
The dwarf hopped down from the table and trotted down the line, whispering hurriedly in each patron's ear. They frowned puzzledly.
I leaned towards Kahnrad. "I smell a blowoff. Also a rat...a dead one." We made our exit, unnoticed. We'd had practice. Plus we knew the back way.
In the alley outside, I looked through a peephole in the wall of the Dirtwater Fox. The dwarf sprang back onto the table.
"Pull back your eyelids, look in your purse. You have been victims of the Pickpocket Curse!" There was a deafening bang, and a column of smoke rose to the ceiling. When it cleared, a few astute observers noticed the door was ajar. With a roar, the crowd rushed outside.
______________________________

I'm dropping a class that I don't want or need, woohoo! It's like trudging along and suddenly realizing you're carrying a great big rock in your backpack.
_____________________________

I met a very pretty young lady at my Dad's company barbeque. Redhead. We exchanged screen names. I hope to talk to her soon. You know, after I hunt down my second-grade teacher.
____________________________

I probably will not have to pay for the damage done to my car, since I was hit and not the other way around.

Title Wars: A New Title

2004-04-30T01:21:00.000-04:00

Installment 7 of "Nobody's Fool"

He came to a stop in the middle of one long table.
"Now, observe...I shall serenade you. With a song? Surely not, for my voice is poor, though I know many songs of dubious morals. A harp? My fingers are like wood. A horn? I can afford no horn.
No, I shall use this." The fool held up his hand, and a arrow shape of an oak leaf appeared in it. Placing it between his thumbs, he began to blow.
Expecting an assault upon my ears like that of a tortured duck, I was pleasantly surprised by a sound not unlike a master horn player's solo. The tune was plaintive, but not reedy; slow, but not boring.
There was silence. Then the crowd burst into enthusiastic applause, rattling the dishes and shaking dust from the rafters. The fool called out over the last of it.
______________________________

In case any of you were concerned, the only injury I sustained in the accident was a nicked finger picking up the glass. I may have broken bones, but I ain't noticed 'em yet.

Saw Kill Bill Vol. 2. Good shit. Nice cinematography. Not as much action as the first, but what action it did have was pretty brutal. The scene with Daryl Hannah...this was everybody in the theater: "DAAAAMN!" Or the aproximate. Moon Pie or whatever the chinese dude's name was--he was fuckin' hilarious. Every time he stroked his beard or brushed it to one side he got a laugh. ...I don't feel like being detailed with it. I've got a paper to bullshit after this.
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My handwriting has really gotten worse. I can't write in cursive anymroe, and my print is huge and sprawling. When I was in second grade, I had really pretty cursive, better than my teacher's. My teacher was named, I shit you not, Mr. Poindexter.

He was a pretty cool guy though. Young, just got his degree, and he had to deal with me. I had my very own spelling class, apart from the whole Lower School because I was the only person who read Orson Scott Card in second grade. Mr. Poindexter shaved his head once because the class (the lower school consisted of 12 kids) read 60 books in two months. I could have done it solo, definitely now if not then.

The other Lower School teacher was Mrs. Jones. She had an awesome body (what I can recall of it), shining black hair down to her read end, and full, red lips. I had a huge crush on her, which I manifested by constantly trying to annoy her. ...I should go back to that school and see if she still works there and if she wants to teach me anything else.

Title Hard 3: With a Vengeance

2004-04-29T16:35:00.000-04:00

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Installment 6 of "Nobody's Fool"

The fool stopped dancing and strolled along the table. Suddenly, he whirled on a fat orc with nostrils the size of gold coins.
"You there! Do you pick your nose?"
The orc glanced guiltily about. "Huhh...no?"
"That's too bad. If you did, you might have found this!" The jester reached down (admittedly, not far) and pulled a scarf out of the orc's right nostril. It shimmered the sheer colors of silk. Valuable colors.
"Thanks, friend." The dwarf winked.
Stunned, the orc drove a fat finger into his nose and began rooting desperately.
The fool jigged merrily down the table, pulling a scarf from a collar there, a coin from an ear here, a minnow from a nostril there. Reaching the end, he back flipped into a series of handsprings, which he expanded to body twists and mid-air splits, jumping from table to table.
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Got in a fender-bender today. Busted a headlight, bent my hood, and tore my bumper cover. 'S fucked up. The insurance should take care of it though. She reversed into me. I was following close, on the other hand.

Maybe more later, gotta go drop off the accident report with my Dad's PA.

Title Hard 2: Title Harder

2004-04-29T00:40:00.000-04:00

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Hoo boy, late post today. May I present to you...Installment 5 of "Nobody's Fool." Check prior posts, as usual.

Then a blur of bright color whizzed from the floor to the table, kicking aside plates and goblets without a care. I realized why I hadn't seen the jester before. He was a dwarf, and short even for one of his race.
An exceptionally lean and agile dwarf, by all evidence. Avoiding grabs for his feet, and wagging his rainbow-dyed beard roguishly, he began a merry jig, calling out all the while.
"Women of negotiable affection and not-so-gentlemen, goils and boils, prepare yourself for a spectacle the likes of which you have never seen and never will again!"
"Get out of here, you fool!" I barked. "You're going to die!"
The dwarf wagged a finger. "I'm nobody's fool, but even I can see that this crowd wouldn't hurt a fly!" Which was true, to an extent. There were too many flies to bother swatting.
The crowd of roughnecks laughed uproariously. I sat back, my humanitarian effort for naught, and waited expectantly for one of the dismemberings the Dirtwater Fox was famous for.
________________________________

Did an awesome lighting setup today. Hung two 300w (w for watt) Peppers from the grid. These were the keylights for Derek and I, sitting side by side at a rectangular table. On the table was a mirror tile, intended to underlight me. Angled off of the grid was another mirror tile, and off to the side we hung a Tungsten Par. Thus, the light was that completely off to the side lit me from underneath. Ain't physics grand?

We rigged a 4'x8' bounce card (large white rectangle) at an angle on the grid. We punched a couple of 2K Redheads (small but powerful) into that, with blue gels over them, for some blue fill light. For a really intriguing effect, we put a mirror tile in a tray of water and bounced a 2K Mickey Mole off of it. Here's how it came together:

I sat at a table, pretending to construct a bullshit electrical device of some sort out of some zip cord, a voltage tester, and a 3-to-2 adapter. Derek knocks on the "door" off frame. I respond.

"Yeah, who is it?"

"It's me, man!"

"Yeah? What's the password?"

"Is it, uhhh, buttplug?"

"Close but no smoking cylindrical thing."

"Come on, man, let me in! I've got the food! Uh....beaver board!"

I got up, acknowleging the risque nickname of a particular grip rig as the password. I beckoned him in, hiding the lack of a door in shadow. Derek came in and sat down.

"Guess who I saw at the KFC, man? Ben Turney!" He referred to our Sound Operations teacher--the dry, boring one.

"You're shittin' me."

"Naw, man, I saw him! And he was totally different outside of class, man. He was all like, 'Word! Yo Derek, I want you to meet, uh, one of my honeys, I've got plenty,' and he had these girls with him that were just all over him and shit!"

"Naaawww..." I brought a couple of electrical components together. The key lights went out and the Par came on, just long enough to light up my face for an over-exposed moment, flicker, and go off, leaving us in blue moonlight and moonlight apparently reflecting off of the surface of a lake. We supposedly in a cabin.

"Let's go check the circuit breaker." We walked off screen.

"HOLY SHIT, IT'S BEN TURNEY AND HE'S BROUGHT SOME HOOKERS!"

Hey, it's improv. Whaddaya want?
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On the summer productions--The first, "Tracer Bullet," is going to be an adaptation of a series of Calvin and Hobbes strips. I'm using a home video camera and my family as cast.

The fifteen minute production is tenatively titled "The Good, The Bad, and The Hairy." It concerns Jesus, Satan, and God granting interviews to the media.

The half-hour production is called "The Adventures of Sanitational Worker." It's an absurd superhero parody, written by my very good friend Jimmy. I've directed you to his xanga before.

The crowning glory, the hour-long production, concerns three friends (Moe, Larry and Curly for now) who decide to take revenge on an enemy of their's (Bastard for now), an absolute bastard, by each stealing something that's valuable to the enemy. The one guy steals Bastard's car, the other his pride/dignity/reputation, and the third his girl, with a heartwarming speech.

Since I intend to screen these productions for money (I don't think I'll be able to make a profit) I'll need a soundtrack with music I have permission to use. Thus, I am taking submissions. You can send me links to downloadable MP3's, or you can IM me and send via AIM. If you know any musicians who might be interested, let them know please.

Themes include victory, love, defeat, good, evil, and divinity. Subjects include those things mentioned above and also paintball (paintball especially), kicking ass, getting one's ass kicked, being/feeling cool, driving, hell, heaven, the crucifixion (however you spell it), being a superhero, fighting crime, now I'm just reaching.

Anything that my descriptions inspire in you, submit it. Also, remixes or remakes of songs that would have relevance are appreciated. Particularly "It's Good To Be A Gangsta," because God needs a theme, and The Imperial March from Star Wars, or something very much like it--The Imperial March is called for in the script. But if your tune is just rockin', submit it. I'm not going to be picky about genre, but to give you an idea of my musical tastes I'm a big ACDC fan. Also The Rolling Stones, The Beach Boys, The Beastie Boys, Cake, and Queens of the Stone Age.

Thank you and good night.

We interrupt this program for an important message...

2004-04-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

Just in case y'all were wondering, the hiatus is anticipated to begin May 11. The projected date of return is May 27. The Reel Deal would like to apologize in advance for this outage of service, which will hopefully be a not-entirely-barren silence. If I could just figure out how to make delayed posts...maybe I'll set up a bunch in advance and ask a trusted friend to post them.

*EDIT* Friend found. There won't be "what's happening to me right now" posts. If I could see into the future, I'd be financing my own films. There might be a few by way of borrowing a computer with internet connection and phoning posts home. Mostly it'll be filler material--stories and essays I've written already.

A blog is a beast that must be constantly fed.

Title Hard

2004-04-27T18:42:00.000-04:00

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Installment 4 of "Nobody's Fool" (check prior posts for earlier parts of the story)

We surveyed the crowd. Sooner or later, a fight would break out. Neither Kahnrad nor I felt like participating, so we'd arrest whoever was lying on the floor at the end of the brawl.
The two long tables in the center of the room, never premium seating, were packed. Burly orcs, dwarves, humans and hobgoblins jostled for space on the warped benches. Multiple puncture wounds to the fundament by splinters were damn near inevitable. At least for thin human skin. That's why Kahnrad and I always used our so-called Special Detective guardsmen’s badges to get the better seats. Plus we could spot trouble-makers easier. Not that it took a trained eye to do that at the Fox.
The brassy note of what seemed to be a bugle became audible over the hubbub. Gradually, the room became silent as the unseen bugler completed an energetic version of "Wanderin' Fool." Every head in the room turned to regard the source of the music, excepting those that had already passed out on the floor.
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I had Sound Operations today. Just like last Teusday, except we were back with our regular teacher. I think I've reached the limit of my patience with him. He is a horrible teacher, very dry. I like him as a person and on set, but we're usually not on set when we're in his class, in fact never, because after all we are in class, not on set...if you see where I'm going with this.

The material is kind of boring too, though I think I'm getting the hang of it. Like, holy shit, I could throw a bunch of technical terms out, and know what they mean. I did actually learn something in this class...I don't like it, but I learned something from it.

Spare me the "learn something from everything" cliche. I know it's true, but maybe there are some things you don't WANT to learn? For instance, if you committed seppeku--which you would accomplish by taking the short killing sword, the Wakizashi, inserting it into the lower right corner of your abdomen, wrenching it across and then upwards, you would learn what your intestines look like. Me, I'll pass. Learning about sound equipment was OK though.

Thank god next week is the final. By which I mean both exam and class.
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Hot damn!

Summer Production and Budgeting Schedule

May 28: Begin "Tracer Bullet" analog production
June 5: Finish "Tracer Bullet" Analog version
June 6: Purchase Macintosh $2740
June 7: Begin fifteen minute production. Begin “Tracer Bullet” edit.
June 9: Finish "Tracer Bullet" edit
June 19: Finish fifteen minute production. Purchase lighting equipment $300.
June 20: Begin half-hour production.
July 10: Finish half-hour production. Purchase DV camera $400.
July 11: Begin hour-long production.
August 14: Finish hour-long production. Purchase DVD-Rs, labels, jewelcases $100.

Total: $3540
Total budget: $4000. Surplus available for props/makeup/costuming or to cover surplus on purchases.

My executive producer, i.e. my dad, agreed to these terms. He's fronting the money. He wanted me to sign a contract, though. In its entirety:

***
The Carrot-and-Stick Contract

The signee will obtain a summer job. If the signee does not complete the Tracer Bullet production, the fifteen-minute production, and the half-hour production, the signee will lose the Macintosh.

Depending on quality, the signee will recieve these bonuses:

Tracer Bullet--$50
Fifteen-minute production--$100.
Half-hour production--$250.
Hour-long production--$500.

I, Justin Kuhn, being of somewhat sound mind and body, agree to these terms.

***
Looks like there'll be some interesting blogs this summer.
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At the end of the semester, my family is going to Utah. We'll be traveling by train. Then we'll get a rental car and drive back home. We'll stop and see the sights, including the Grand Canyon and Sante Fe (which apparently has several art galleries, I suspect an ulterior motive on Dad's part). Blogging will be erratic, but I'll try and update whevever I can get near a computer with internet access.

The Lord of the Titles: Return of the Title

2004-04-26T15:15:00.000-04:00

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Installment 3 of "Nobody's Fool" (check prior posts)

"Shove off," a burly orc said belligerently. I pushed him off his chair.
"I meant, you shove yourself off!" he bellowed wittily, staggering to his feet and taking a swing at me. He missed, the worse for drink. My foot happened to be in his way, and he went down for the count. I hauled a goblin out of the booth by the scruff of his neck and tossed him aside. I sat down in the orc's place and Kahnrad took the goblin's.
I surveyed the three still sitting at the table.
"Lookee here, Kahnrad," I said. "Alcohol and gambling. Seems illegal."
Kahnrad shook his head. "No, Eric, but the loaded dice are definitely illegal. Guess we'll have to haul this lot in," he said. "Unless of course they get away."
The chairs were suddenly empty.
"Oh well," I said. "We'll have to just sit here and wait to arrest somebody." I snagged a passing bargirl. "A pair of your finest sour, watered-down ales, if you would." The bargirl growled and bared a set of yellow tusks, which I took to be an affirmative.
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And now a return from fiction--(let me say that Maceman is like me in no way. I am not broad-shouldered, blond, or capable of scaring people out of their seats)

--I did some dramatic acting today. Sat in a chair in a dark room, it was apparently raining outside due to the light we shone through a sheet of fiberglass, which we pouring water down through plastic bags with holes in them...if you can picture that from my run-on sentence. I planted some droplets of water around my eyes and acted concerned. I was told I did a good job.
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Have you heard about this coconut milk thing? I don't get it. How can a coconut give milk? I ask you...where are a coconut's nipples!? My mom told me how the coconut milk providers take the meat out of the nut and press it, but all that tells me is that they don't know where the nipples are either.

If we could just locate the nipples in life, we'd all be better off.

Lord of the Titles: The Two Titles

2004-04-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

_______________________________

Installment 2 of "Nobody's Fool."

"Hey baby, wanna rumble in my jungle?" Something rubbed up against my leg. I looked down from my considerable height of six foot plus. It had a mustache and lips that could deep-kiss a moose. I wasn't sure if it was female, or even human, so I took my best shot.
"Sorry...I don't date monkeys." I flashed my badge. The monkey scampered. Even for monkeys, soliciting a guardsman is a crime punishable by the guardsman not paying.
Kahnrad drummed his fingers on his billy club. “Heads up, Maceman. Somebody’s tryin’ to move in on our territory.” He nodded in the direction of the group occupying the table we customarily sat at. I smirked.
"Hello there! What are you sitting at our table for?" I boomed jovially.
A motley collection of toughs looked up from their drinks and dice game. A few seemed well on their way to a good drunk, judging by the fashion in which they were trying to pinpoint which image of me was the real me.

Lord of the Titles: The Fellowship of the Title

2004-04-25T00:54:00.000-04:00

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I acted in a friend's movie today, an adaptation of "Beowulf" set post-apocalypse, which was supposed to explain why so much of the movie was ass. He was shooting it for an English class, so it was not particularly professional. It was fun, however. I played "Guard #48" in one scene. I wore a burlap tunic that not only made me look like an asshat, it also itched like the itch that occurs about fifteen minutes after sex. I don't understand how people ever wore burlap. Maybe that was why they fought so much in the Dark Ages.

In the next scene I played Guard #4. I wore a beekeeper's helmet, sans net, and the gloves. I had to explain to my drunken king (Tagline: "I'm the king!") that the monster had killed one guard and chased the other one away. My friend's friend played the corpse, lying in a very uncomfortable position with intestines spilling out of his chest that were in reality deli ham bloodied with corn syrup and food coloring.

"So he's dead?"

"Yes."

"And you're dead."

"No."

"But you just said he was dead!"

"No, he ran away."

"You're dead, I'm the king!"

"Fuck you, king."
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First installment you'll see of a short fantasy story I wrote a while back. It concerns a pair of unscrupulous town guards (Eric "The Maceman" and Kahnrad) and a mischievous dwarven pickpocket.

Nobody's Fool

The Dirtwater Fox was hopping tonight. At least, it was as hoppy as things were going to get. Little did I know that things would soon get positively frog-like.
Kahnrad and I made our way through the crowd. I kept my nose in the air, reinforcing my leather armor with a shield of pompous aristocracy. The air being a fraction fresher near the ceiling was a bonus.
A very drunk goblin stumbled into me. He glared unsteadily at my breastbone.
"Hey, horse lover, you lookin' t' start somethin'?" he demanded in the scratchy, high voice of goblinkind.
"There's nothing to start," I said dryly. He looked up at me and belched. My eyes watered, and my retaliatory backhand slapped him to the floor. I stepped over his prostrate form, rubbing my eyes.
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Stilletto's Last Ride

Vol. 1
Stiletto Jack is a gangster who rats out his mob to the feds. Now he's on the run--in the Wild West! When his stash of hot diamonds is stolen from him on the train, Jack must enlist the help of a dominiatrix Calamity Jane to take down a gang of S/M cowboys (picture it--gimps on horseback!). That's the easy part. The hard part is going to be staying on one of those goddamn horses...

Vol. 2
Stiletto has settled in as an eccentric (and rich) sheriff in Bullwhip City. He maintains order with a particular unorthodox flair that US Marshals observe with discomfort. When a veritable army of gangsters out for his head come to town, he's going to need all the order he can get (along with a little chaos), to beat them. At the same time, he's got to deal with a group of bandits that are based, of all places, on a ship! Luckily he's got the love of an aggressive woman and her six-shooters at his side.
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"I'm like a tuba. You wanna know why...?"

2004-04-23T16:15:00.000-04:00

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I am so hungry right now.
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DSL gets bitchy a lot. A lot. Cuts me off, let's me back on, cuts me off...I think I'll call my ISP up with an important message: "Hey, Bellsouth? I'm like a tuba. Because you can just BLOW ME!!!"
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So, I applied to the Summer Session in Film over at NCSA, right? Wrote the "what I expect" essay and all. I was accepted.
And then today they called with some good news: "Justin is not eligible because he is not a high school student or a graduated high school student." But, hell, i'm not even 18! I graduated homeschool early and jumped into college. It's like gettin' punished for being a good student.

I was on the road when I heard the news, so I advised mom to call them and try and get the film people on the phone because the person who called was a "supervisor," read, a pencil-pushing beuraucrat in Admissions. I'm in with the Dean. I saw him the other day in the bookstore and he asked me when I was applying to NCSA, quite eagerly it seemed. If I could get him on the phone he'd probably push me through the system (the fuckin' Dean here).

BUT...!

Mom said it cost about $1800 to take the session, and I could get outfitted with some decent equipment for that price amount of money. That means a digital camera (with Firewire of course), Final Cut Pro, and a nice little Mac. Which is really all I need to make a movie. Lots of people are eager to get in front of the camera (including me), so actors are not a problem.

The big thing here was that I was going to relish going back (I'd been there the previous summer) and be the biggest know-it-all ever due to the PCC classes. Also, I was looking forward to seeing a friend or two from the previous session. But I figure I can do that by acting, since the Summer Session filmmakers can bring in outside actors. I'll just make it known I'm available for pretty much anything in the way of comedic acting, and make my own stuff in the meantime.

Meanwhile, NCSA can...oh, finish the sentence yourself.