The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Sunday, January 02, 2005
The Grouphug.us Report
Monkey finds some really funny confessions, but he's missed a few. Here are a few of my favorites from the the recent past.
1. "The other night my girlfriend came over and we went jogging to get some exercise, so we jogged to a park and it was starting to get dark. once we got to the park we ended up sitting on a swing and swinging back and forth. for whatever reason it made me incredibly horny, plus it think it was the fact that i hadnt gotten any in a couple of day, anyways... long story short i got her to have sex with me on the childrens play set! for a good part of the session she was ontop and we wernt very noticable (it was now totally dark) but then i finally got her to let me do her doggy-style over some steps. so there we are having very sneaky sex while people are walking the track. then i look over on the swing set and there is a girl around 13-14 talking on a cell phone. i didnt tell my girlfriend about it cause she would have made me stop and it just felt too damn good to stop. then the girl gets off the swings and starts walking toward the slide we were on (i still didnt tell her) and she looked up and saw us. my girlfriends face was blocked so she couldnt see her. the girl then decided to pretend she didnt see us and went back onto the swings. i should have stopped and im know my girlfriend would have wanted us to stop, but ther was no way in hell i was going to. so we boned and when we were finished, i pulled my pants back up, pulled my girlfriends pants back up and then i told her. she wasnt as mad as i thought she was going to be. IT WAS FREAKIN COOL! and it made me INCREDIBLY HORNY!! i want to do it again :)"
--Of course he does.
2. "alright so this girl was giving me head and then i pointed to the distant right and said, "is that your father" (i lied... there was no one there) and she quickly looked... then i shot her right in the eye with my cream."
3. "my pussy is so tight that i actually made a guy cry yesterday... he was like "Girl, why is it so tight, i can't even handle it" and he blew his load all over me and cried cuz he couldn't last more than 5 mins in me. hahahahha"
4. "I am a fucking asshole. I waste mod's time with craphole messages on grouphug.us because I think I'm funny, and hope to make myself more popular by being a shitwit."
--Shitwit!? I gotta start using that word.
5. "I believe that I am god. When I told my friends and family, they laughed as though I was telling a joke. I'm going to use my omnipotentness to make them all sorry."
--That'll teach 'em!
7. "When I go to Dairy Queen, I am too embarassed to purchase a dilly bar. I am so embarrased I have to write my order on a paper napkin and slide it to the clerk, with a wink and a tip of my 10-gallon hat."
--Number One: What the fuck is a dilly bar? Number Two: I thought that people only winked (wunked?) and tipped 10-gallon hats in the movies. Boy was I wrong.
8. "I loved the way my girlfriend tickled my balls all the time. Watching TV? She's tickling my balls. I'm driving? She's tickling my balls. Eating dinner? She's tickling my balls. I loved it so much I put off dumping her for two years because I didn't think I'd ever find a girl who did it the way she did.
That was back in high school, and nobody's tickled my balls like that since, and I miss it so much."
--*sniff* I'm there for you man.
--You know, strictly in the emotional sense. I wouln't consider myself near the expert that she was.
9. "When I was in second grade I stole a guys wallet from under the chair in front of me. I went to the bathroom and ditched his wallet in the trash, and took the 10 bucks. I was the most likely perpetrator, and they grilled me about it, but I never admitted to taking it. I don't know why I did this, I didn't need the money. I guess I just wanted to get away with something, and teach the kid a lesson. That was 36 years ago.
I am an upstanding citizen now with kids of my own. Just remember, I tell them, If you do something bad it will be with you your whole life. Even if noone but you knows.
On the plus side: you have probably kept a tight grip on your wallet all these 36 years. Cheap lesson in the long run."
--You know...this guy kinda has a point.
10. "We had a conversation once in which you said, "Sometimes I think you enjoy seeing me miserable." I, of course, denied this fact, but it was (and is) very true."
--The honesty is refreshing.
11. "I got myself in the eye."
--OWWWW! Stings like hell don't it?
--Not that I'd know. I never look myself in the eye.