The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Saturday, January 29, 2005
"Damn, I hate being a foregone conclusion."
Last movie quoted was Shaun of the Dead.
I feel so neglectful. Here's the update: this semester we are doing a documentary on Caswell County, where PCC is based. We go and film locations and get B-roll and interview people. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I wanna run some grip shit! I wanna load a truck! Shit.
I have a philosophy concerning movies. If a movie has something to say, and it's well-made, with good cenimatography, editing, etc, it's a film. If it's just entertainment, it's a movie. I'm very fond of this pretentious bullshit. Bad Boys II is a movie. Pulp Fiction is a film.
I need a hotel for a location for a film. If I can't get that I am fucked. I need it free. I have a suspicion it will not be free. Shit.
The story is this: Derek "Dollar" Brown works as a night clerk at a hotel. This really hot hooker shows up and gets him to put a suitcase in the safe. Then she has him come to her room for some undoubtedly hot, kinky, and flexible sex. Derek does not resist. Afterwards, he goes to the bathroom. He hears a struggle and come back out to find the hooker dead from some blunt trauma. "Oh, shit!" he thinks, and covers it up. Of course. Then this FBI agent starts fucking with him. The hooker's boyfriend starts fucking with him. And this really intimidating Italian guy is asking pointed questions too. The FBI agent is really a wannabe-GoodFella. He's teamed with the boyfriend, who is really a pimp. The Italian guy is a hitman, a real GoodFella. In the end the wannabe and the pimp cross each other and die and the hitman lets Derek have the money and tells him to the get the fuck outta Dodge. Not the most coherent pitch.
But hey. It's something to write.
I love ramen.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Who's Who of Victorian Cinema
I saw this over at boing boing (natch) and figured that since it was movie related it would be at home here. If not, feel free to delete it. In the meantime, go here for the Victorian goodness.
The next movie in the theater that I expect to be seeing is the remake of 'Assault on Precinct 13'. I'll let you know how that goes.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
"Vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet."
Last movie quoted was "Se7en."
"Copy the list from the last person in the chain, delete the names of the authors you don't have on your home library shelves and replace them with names of authors you do have. Bold the replacements."
1. George R.R. Martin
2. Terry Pratchett
3. Dave Barry
4. J.K Rowling
5. Carl Hiassen
6. David Eddings
7. Piers Anthony
8. George Carlin
9. The Tracker (can't remember the actual name)
10. The Bouncer, Jack, The Monkey (blogs count too, sort of)
Got it from Paige.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
"It's more comfortable for you to label me as insane."
OK, OK, it's been a while, but the last thing I quoted was "The Nightmare Before Christmas."
Day 2 of the commercial shoot. I'm not going to ive a blow-by-blow account of the whole affair, as I had intended, but instead I'll tell a few funny little stories. This is the part where you go to sleep, no doubt.
We were shooting this one bit with a couple of nurses smiling at the camera. Greg went over and stuck a light meter in one lady's face.
"OK...she's a four...no, a little less than a four...yeah, she's a four," he pronouced dourly. Meanwhile this lady, entirely unaware of what he was talking about (the degree of light hitting her face) smiles uncertainly.
Four? I thought I was at least a nine!
The craft service on day 2 was awesome. Chinese food cooked right on a wok and then they had takeout containers for you to eat out of. Charming.
You know what? I can't really remember anything more about this shoot. If I think of something I'll edit it.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Q: Are there any questions that can't be answered by the glossary?
A. No. If you have any questions ask me and they'll go under here.
1. C-stand: a stand with an arm attachment that can be used to hold numerous things including flags or even lights.
2. Gobo arm: the part of a C-stand that hold stuff. The Gobo head is also a separate piece.
3. Gel: a sheet of transparent colored plastic used to alter a light's color, sometimes for effect, sometimes to compensate for filmstock.
4. Source: a light; a source of light.
5. Dolly: a wheeled platform to mount the camera on.
6. Jib arm: an arm on the dolly that moves the camera from the dolly.
7. Dolly track: if you want to capture a dolly move on camera, you put the dolly on track.
8. Rule of thirds: Divide your picture into thirds horizontally. Now vertically. The points of intersection from those two dividing lines are the points of greatest interest on the screen. Place your subjects there--your actor's eyeline on the top right corner, or jaw on the bottom left. Not both at once though.
9. Looking room: a subject has to have a space in the picture to look into, unless you're trying to be unsettling.
10. Boom pole: what you extend the microphone on.
11. Shotgun: the standard microphone used to capture sound for a motion picture.
12. Grip: a crew member dedicated to rigging anything and everything not electric--C-stands, flags, dolly and dolly track.
13. DP: Director of Photography; Cinematographer. The guy behind the camera. Directs the electrics and grips, or directs the Gaffer and the Key Grip and they direct the electrics and grips.
14. AC: Assistant Camera. Takes care of the camera for the DP--sets focus marks, sometimes does slate, has lenses and filters ready.
15. AD. Boss of the set. Keeps track of the tasks that everyone is doing and assigns them new tasks as events warrant. Runs the operation.
16. Hi-Hi: a light stand with three locking wheels and a lollipop at the top. These babies will put a light at least fity feet in the air.
17. Lollipop: also called a C-boom adapter, this will hold a larger (junior) light's pin or an elephant ear.
18. Junior: a junior light has a pin that slides into a junior stand's junior receptacle and is held there with a screw lock-off. ...Shut the fuck up, you all have dirty minds.
19. Baby pins are smaller than junior pins. Instead of being on the light they go on the stand and slide into the receptacle on a baby light.
20. Elephant ear: these are held by lollipops. They hold frames or poles.
21. Craft service: the people who provide the food for the crew. If male, these people always have big penises. If female, they always have charming personalities as well as beautiful faces and big breasts. Just in case any are reading this and I work with them sometime.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
The Grouphug.us Report
Monkey finds some really funny confessions, but he's missed a few. Here are a few of my favorites from the the recent past.
1. "The other night my girlfriend came over and we went jogging to get some exercise, so we jogged to a park and it was starting to get dark. once we got to the park we ended up sitting on a swing and swinging back and forth. for whatever reason it made me incredibly horny, plus it think it was the fact that i hadnt gotten any in a couple of day, anyways... long story short i got her to have sex with me on the childrens play set! for a good part of the session she was ontop and we wernt very noticable (it was now totally dark) but then i finally got her to let me do her doggy-style over some steps. so there we are having very sneaky sex while people are walking the track. then i look over on the swing set and there is a girl around 13-14 talking on a cell phone. i didnt tell my girlfriend about it cause she would have made me stop and it just felt too damn good to stop. then the girl gets off the swings and starts walking toward the slide we were on (i still didnt tell her) and she looked up and saw us. my girlfriends face was blocked so she couldnt see her. the girl then decided to pretend she didnt see us and went back onto the swings. i should have stopped and im know my girlfriend would have wanted us to stop, but ther was no way in hell i was going to. so we boned and when we were finished, i pulled my pants back up, pulled my girlfriends pants back up and then i told her. she wasnt as mad as i thought she was going to be. IT WAS FREAKIN COOL! and it made me INCREDIBLY HORNY!! i want to do it again :)"
--Of course he does.
2. "alright so this girl was giving me head and then i pointed to the distant right and said, "is that your father" (i lied... there was no one there) and she quickly looked... then i shot her right in the eye with my cream."
3. "my pussy is so tight that i actually made a guy cry yesterday... he was like "Girl, why is it so tight, i can't even handle it" and he blew his load all over me and cried cuz he couldn't last more than 5 mins in me. hahahahha"
4. "I am a fucking asshole. I waste mod's time with craphole messages on grouphug.us because I think I'm funny, and hope to make myself more popular by being a shitwit."
--Shitwit!? I gotta start using that word.
5. "I believe that I am god. When I told my friends and family, they laughed as though I was telling a joke. I'm going to use my omnipotentness to make them all sorry."
--That'll teach 'em!
7. "When I go to Dairy Queen, I am too embarassed to purchase a dilly bar. I am so embarrased I have to write my order on a paper napkin and slide it to the clerk, with a wink and a tip of my 10-gallon hat."
--Number One: What the fuck is a dilly bar? Number Two: I thought that people only winked (wunked?) and tipped 10-gallon hats in the movies. Boy was I wrong.
8. "I loved the way my girlfriend tickled my balls all the time. Watching TV? She's tickling my balls. I'm driving? She's tickling my balls. Eating dinner? She's tickling my balls. I loved it so much I put off dumping her for two years because I didn't think I'd ever find a girl who did it the way she did.
That was back in high school, and nobody's tickled my balls like that since, and I miss it so much."
--*sniff* I'm there for you man.
--You know, strictly in the emotional sense. I wouln't consider myself near the expert that she was.
9. "When I was in second grade I stole a guys wallet from under the chair in front of me. I went to the bathroom and ditched his wallet in the trash, and took the 10 bucks. I was the most likely perpetrator, and they grilled me about it, but I never admitted to taking it. I don't know why I did this, I didn't need the money. I guess I just wanted to get away with something, and teach the kid a lesson. That was 36 years ago.
I am an upstanding citizen now with kids of my own. Just remember, I tell them, If you do something bad it will be with you your whole life. Even if noone but you knows.
On the plus side: you have probably kept a tight grip on your wallet all these 36 years. Cheap lesson in the long run."
--You know...this guy kinda has a point.
10. "We had a conversation once in which you said, "Sometimes I think you enjoy seeing me miserable." I, of course, denied this fact, but it was (and is) very true."
--The honesty is refreshing.
11. "I got myself in the eye."
--OWWWW! Stings like hell don't it?
--Not that I'd know. I never look myself in the eye.