The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Sunday, November 28, 2004
"When you're slapped, you'll take it and like it."
Previously quoted movie was State and Main, an excellent representation of getting a movie made and of the mentality it takes to make it. If you haven't seen it, rent it.
"Seen them before? Hell, they can draw them from memory!"
This lady is home alone one day and the doorbell rings. She goes to answer it--it's the next-door neighbor, Frank.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he just went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a bit of silence Frank says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see them in fact."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows him her excellent knockers for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Frank says, "That was so amazing...but I've got to see the whole package. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see you totally nude."
Sara is amazed by the offer. She sits and thinks a bit about it and figures, heck, why not? So she stands up, drops her robe and gives Frank a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. Sara mentions to him, "Frank stopped by."
"Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Still nothing happening. I probably shouldn't bother to mention it. After all, what's the point?
Saturday, November 27, 2004
"It's not a lie. It's a gift for fiction."
Yup, "The Incredibles." Whoop-de-do. Bet I'll have to quote half the script of this one before someone gets it right though. And then I have a hard one after that too.
I kinda like this one...
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!" she protests. I don't give a fuck, open it now!!!" he screams. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" What can she do? he's got her at gunpoint. So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well." She does. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask.
"See honey--it doesn't really taste all that bad, now does it?"
Nothing much happening at school. Got really fucked up over the holidays. Saw some great movies, too.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
"Hooooney? Where is my super suit?"
You still haven't guessed...nyah nyah.
You know why Democrats are better in bed than Republicans?
Well...You never heard of gettin' a good piece of elephant, did you?
Still working on that script. I've been considering a few other ideas as well. Like "The Long Dark Hell," about a race car driver who takes a wrong turn at a crucial point in his life and gets on the highway to hell. Now he's got to race a whole bunch of demonic road trash. I've got a real good idea aobut the look of the film, but the actual story I'm having trouble with.
Monday, November 15, 2004
"Okay, okay - every time they run, we take a shot!"
New rule. I'm gonna keep quoting until somebody guesses it right. What? What! SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is my game, I can make up all the rules I want!
Joke of the Post for the Joke of a Blog
This guy goes out hunting. He sees a bear. He shoots the bear. The bear falls down, like most people do when they get shot. He walks over there. The bear taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey! Gimme a blowjob."
What can he do? It's a fuckin' bear, people. So he gives the bear oral pleasure, and...he comes back with a bigger gun.
He sees the bear. He shoots the bear. The bear falls down. He walks over there. The bear taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey! Bend over that log right there, punchy."
What's he gonna do? It's a bear. He bends over and the bear gives it to 'im where the sun don't shine.
He comes back later with a bigger gun. He sees the bear. He shoots the bear. The bear falls down. He walks over there. The bear taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey. ...You ain't comin' out here just to HUNT, are ya?"
I'm trying to get my buddy that I wrote the screenplay with to help me go over the final re-write (there's gonna be some fighting) so that we can get it made as a play, in order to generate publicity and maybe get a sponsor for the film.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
"I declare war on peace and happiness!"
OK, back to regularity. Maybe. Hopefully.
I'm going to introduce a feature that will allow me to always have something to say. I'm going to start it off with one that I consider to be quite offensive. Just to get the tone straight. Without further ado, I present:
The Joke of the Post. For this Joke of a Blog.
This lady is checking out at the supermarket. She buys some Tylenol, a bushel of carrots, some Kleenex, some tampons, and three cucumbers. The cashier looks at all this stuff, then says, "Hmmm. You must be single."
She says, "You can tell that just from what I bought?"
He says, "No. You're fucking ugly!"
I just finished a really kickass script. If I can produce it, I plan to keep a diary of it on this blog, like girl with a movie camera but more profane. At this stage I'm just looking for feedback, money, crew, and actors. The next stage of production that I can enter right now is storyboarding. I'm also going to get a job to finance the thing. Now that's commitment.