The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Friday, July 09, 2004
"Before we start, did anyone leave a stack of rolled up twenties, in a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band."
The previously quoted movies were Pitch Black and Pulp Fiction, respectively. I'm thinking of doing a movie trivia contest, what do y'all think? Perhaps a small prize for the winner, a limerick composed about them or some such. No punches will be pulled, so don't compete if you don't want to win this dubious prize.
Speaking of movies, Vader needs to check this out.
I had an interesting experience the other day. My mother and I were out shopping for stuff to put in my apartment. We filled about two carts full of stuff. I insisted on making Jaws references repeatedly. "We're gonna need a bigger cart!"
We got lamps, a couple of fans, a couple of inflatable beds (one for the apartment and one in case somebody needed a place to crash, plus I could fit the smaller one in my car), cooking supplies, a trashcan, a blender, a toaster oven, a couch (55 bucks), and a bunch of other assorted stuff. That wasn't the exciting part.
The fun part was that there was this really cute girl who kept coming over and asking if we were finding everything we needed. "Pretty much--except that I could really use some pussy right now," as Steve might say. I got to talking with her and she said she goes to ECU, a big party school that was featured in Playboy.
Guess who's plundering Dad's stash?
I asked her if I could give her my number, and she said she had a boyfriend. DAMNIT! I ALWAYS get that! She took my number anyway, and told me that I was her type, which was why she kept coming over.
Hey. I'm somebody's type. Somebody likes me. Wonderful!
And I can't take advantage of the fact. Shit!
My wet dream abruptly took a turn for the S/M-istic as my luscious bed-partner began lashing my buttocks with a whip. Then my dream suddenly had its butt kicked by reality.
I was lying on my face in the back of a lurching, splitery wagon. Alandria was holding the whip, and she was waking me up. This did not bode well for our future relationship.
"Get up. We're stopping for the night, and I need you to get us rooms."
"Why me?" I groaned, picking bits of wood out of my cheek.
"Because you're big and strong and the innkeeper will listen to you."
"He'd listen to you."
"No, he wouldn't. For all he knows, I don't have a head. Go talk to him. Get us a good deal."
I rolled off the wagon, staggering as the blood rushed to my head. A happy thought ocurred to me. If I played my cards right, Alandria and I would have to sleep in the same bed! That would be a shame.
"By the way, if you try and fix the sleeping arrangements you get the floor."
I stumped towards the tavern. My brutal shove slammed its door open. The other travelers looked up briefly and then went back to their drinks.
Dirt floor. A fireplace for lighting that wasn't doing a very good job of it. A barrel of beer and a guy with an apron that was probably cleaner than the clothes underneath it, standing behind a high sort of bench. I guessed that this was the bar. I stooped (low ceiling, and I'm tall) and walked over to the bar.
"I need three beds and some decent food."
"Does this look like a gourmet restaurant to you?" the bartender inquired. "The mash in our beer should be meal enough for you."
Great. A comedian.