The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
"This? This is just a personal grooming appliance."
Last post's quote was from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Another quote: "In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey--the monkey will spank us!"
After seeing things like the anime segment in Kill Bill and the Animatrix, I've decided that I'll give anime a little more slack. I just can't tolerate low-quality anime like Pokemon and Dragonball Z, the examples that turned me off in the first place.
Acting, she says. That means undercover work. I hate undercover work. Of course, if I'm lucky I'll get under her covers. I gleefully tugged on my goatee braid at the thought.
I sat up. "Hey, Kahnrad. You want to play the alphabet game?"
"Sure," he said, his short legs dangling off the back of the wagon.
A few minutes passed. We searched diligently for a sign.
"What letter are you on?"
"A. What about you?"
"Ok, fuck this...Hey, Alandria. What's the role you've got in mind for me?"
She shifted on the front of the wagon, I think they call it a running board. "One of the supporting Valkiries. We're doing an operatic production."
"The Valkiries are the ones who drink lots of beer and get laid a lot, right?" I asked, taking a stab in the dark. If such was the case, I was born for the part.
"No. They're the ones who have long braids and large breasts. And they sing."
Fuck. I hate undercover work.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
"Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong!"
Another quote to help you out: "The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."
Last post's quote was from "The Avengers," which reportedly sucked but it had a quote appropriate to my feeling.
I've been trying to film a movie lately, but I'm having difficulty with my actor's schedule and finding a new location because of the schedule...It's fucked up and stressing me out. Oh, right. It's the same one I took a blogrest because of.
I opened my eyes and regretted it. My head felt like a monkey had been using it to play steel drums with. The inside of my mouth felt like a rat had crawled inside, and hadn't been making trips to got to the bathroom outside. My eyeballs felt like they'd been removed, coated with vinegar-soaked cotton, and then shoved back into my skull.
I really wasn't feeling good at all.
I blinked with difficulty. My hands were tied behind my back and my feet were tied together. I rolled over and bumped into something. It cursed foully. Must be Kahnrad.
"I don't know about you, but I treat my dinner guests with more courtesy than this."
Alandria leaned over from her seat on the front of the wagon. Is that what they call the "buckboard?" Fuck it.
"I was in a bit of a hurry. I'd just told the mob boss in Kronston that you'd had intimate relations with his daughter and that you were sitting in the Dirtwater Fox reminiscing about how bouncy her ass was."
I shut my eyes. The monkey must have really gone to town on those drums. "Damn it. How'd you know about that?"
There was a pause full of considered surprise.
"I made it up. But don't worry. I've got a place for you to hide out while he cools down."
"I hope you can act."
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
"It's late, I'm tired, and I want to go to bed."
Last post's quote was from "Clerks."
I have been filming all week, getting up early in the morning and driving half an hour away and back. I am tired. There will be a Blogrest until shooting is done. This will hopefully be Friday, though I may not post until Saturday. I regret this lapse in service. Got a problem with it? I submit that you shove that problem where the sun does not shine. Under the sink, for example--what were you thinking?
Friday, June 18, 2004
"This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."
Last post's movie quote was from Star Wars. "The Force is strong in this one."
I shot a short film I've entitled "Soundtrack" yesterday. It featured Jeremy (9 yrs, my brother) in hip-hop garb, gettin' his groove on, walking down the sidewalk. Meanwhile, James (6 yrs, my other brother) walking down the same sidewalk, bedecked in a leather vest and a cowboy hat. Each has his own musical theme. For Jeremy, either "Stand Up" or "Shake Ya Tailfeather," off the Bad Boys II soundtrack. For James, Moby's "That's When I Reach For My Revolver," or "Sadhana," off one of my Mom's classical guitar records. They meet. They quarrel. Since it's a silent film, you don't hear any dialogue, just their music going back and forth, one louder, then the other.
At this point I turn the corner. I'm wearing sunglasses, shorts, Tevas, a Hawaiian shirt with the top few buttons open, a Panama, and I am completely oblivious, drunk and stoned into insensibility. I walk right through their argument, my "Cheeseburger in Paradise" overpowering their music. They look after me, then edge offscreen in embarrassment. The End. I liked how it turned out. I need to edit it sometime.
I hesitated. "Are they good actors?" She looked offended.
"All my actors are good actors." Then she hesitated as well. "Well, alright, there were a few that I was glad to see dead...but the majority I need. This has got to stop."
"Whaddaya want me to do about it?"
"I want you to find out who's killing my actors and stop him!"
"But you're from Gate City? I'm one of Kronston's watchmen, I can't leave my post."
"I'll pay five hundred golds per week, plus expenses."
"I don't subcontract. I'm not a freelancer anymore."
Alandria pursed her lips in thought. I mused on what they would feel like on my skin. "That's a shame..." she said. "I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner."
I was surprised by her sudden acceptance of my verdict, but I quite rarely turn down a dinner invitation from a girl as gorgeous as this. Broads are so random. "Sounds good to me," I said, leering in my most charming manner.
"Good," she said, snapping her fingers. I was puzzled by what this meant, but I didn't have to wait long to find out. My thoughts suddenly scattered all over the place as the dame's hired goon gave me a love tap with a lead-weighted blackjack. My lights went out faster than an alcoholic locked in a brewery.
How the hell was I supposed to know she meant dinner--in Gate City?
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
Last post's quote was from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," which like the other two, was not as good as the book. This quote may also be painfully obvious, but some may not get it *cough* Jenn *cough*.
More funny animals!
Coming soon from a bunch of asshole parody filmmakers near you: Divine Clerks! Jesus is Dante. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" St. Peter is Randall. Snootchin' it to the nootch, it's Satan and Silent God. "I'm gonna corrupt this soul, I'm gonna corrupt that soul, I'm gonna corrupt ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"
"Who wants to know?"
"I'm Alandria. I run the Prism Theater in Gate City. Lately we--" She was interrupted by a the loud sound of wood breaking. Over someone's head. I held up a finger.
"Could you hold that thought?"
Kahnrad was having his arms and legs held by four burly goblins. The other two were taking turns breaking things over his head. Maybe they wanted what was inside. But Kahnrad's head is a tough nut to crack. I hustled over.
I grabbed one the goblin holding Kahnrad's left leg and punched it in the face. Then I hit two more goblins with him. The other three prepared for battle. By this, I mean one prepared for battle while the other two edged backwards while the brave one distracted me. I picked up a table and threw it like a discus, folding the three goblins like a bad hand of poker. Kahnrad got painfully to his feet.
"I'm surprised you could take your eyes off that piece of work long enough to figure out that you should be giving a shit about your partner," Kahnrad groused. I shrugged and walked back to Alandria.
"I'm the Maceman. What do you want?"
Alandria's mouth twisted. "I'll get right to the point, Mr. Mace. Somebody is killing my actors."
Thursday, June 10, 2004|
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
Ok, don't everybody jump on this at once. I try to make my quotes guessable, but sometimes I go too far I think. Last quote was from "Equilibrium."
Since I don't have a lot of interesting stuff to post from my personal life at the moment, I'm going to write a short story. Every post will have an installment, excepting exceptions. I don't have a title yet. That's something I want help from you guys on. Give me your ideas and your opinions on the titles I come up with. So far I'm thinking "No Business Like Show Business."
Enjoy Installment 1.
I was having my head pounded against the wall when the broad walked in.
She was tall for a woman, wide across the shoulders but small in the waist. She had an hourglass figure, but her assets couldn't hide the muscle contained in her powerful frame. Her eyes were a bit slanted, but big and brown at the same time. Not from around here, evidently. She wore loose silk robes in tan and brown that complented her long black hair. The phrase "black as a raven's wing" was invented for hair like that. I didn't see a weapon.
My view was obscured as the orc with his hand buried in my braids snapped my head backward for another tap on the wall. There were a few dents in in already from previous knocks. He should have used the floor instead. It was harder.
I went with the motion, leaning back and grabbing his ears. I swung a foot over my other leg, pivoting the foot still on the floor, and wrenched his head around. I must have pulled a bit too hard, because one of his ears came off. Oops.
The orc bellowed in rage and pain. I bravely kicked him in the nadgers. He fell to the floor, clutching himself. I kicked him in the face for good luck.
The broad stared, obviously somewhat horrified. I stumbled to the bar and took the cold ale that the barman, Mallet, offered me. I took a long draught. She approached the bar hesitantly, still staring at me but trying not to. I drained the pint and slammed the mug on the bar, giving her a challenging stare.
She turned to Mallet. His appearance, that of a bulldog that ran into walls a few too many times, did not help to put her at his ease. "Ah...excuse me, I'm looking for the gentleman they call 'The Maceman?' I was told to look here."
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
"I'm not feeling! He is the one who's feeling!"
Last post's quoted movie was "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels." Get it!
I stayed up until 8 in the morning today/last night. I was going to try and stay up all day, but I gave up.
This evening I went to dinner with my family, Dad's manager and Dad's manager's wife, and a couple of collectors of Dad's work. Sadly I was seated next to my seven-year-old brother. He was poking me throughout the meal, hoping fo a reaction, as he said. I held it in, and the next time he gives me shit he'll get the built-up reaction. GodDAMN I'm gonna clobber the little fucker. Arrh.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
"Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked. "
Last post's quoted movie was "Heist." A few more great quotes: "You know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road crossed the chicken."
Coffee Cart Man: Hey buddy. You forgot your change.
Joe Moore: [Takes the change] Makes the world go round.
Bobby Blane: What's that?
Joe Moore: Gold.
Bobby Blane: Some people say love.
Joe Moore: Well, they're right, too. It is love. Love of gold.
This movie looks fucking awesome.
Well, here's an experience. I went to see harry Potter with a friend. The movie itself was excellent. It looked good, very good cinematography, which counts for a lot in my book. Daniel Radcliffe is still a sucky actor, but whaddaya gonna do. Thank God they changed directors. The fact that it was good only heightened the agony of what follows.
About halfway through the movie, there was no picture. I thought it was a dramatic darkness, but when it went on for 5 minutes I realized my error, as did the rest of the audience. So about half the audience went out and bitched. The reel guy said he'd rewind it and turn the picture back on. He did the latter but neglected the former, the FUCKER. So it's playing for a bit, and I'm enjoying the Quidditch, when it happens again. Then the lights come on. And the guy says you can get refunds tomorrow, blah blah blah. This totally FUCKING ruins the movie-going experience, you know?
One of these days those two self-righteous pricks will wake up to find men with cold eyes and colder guns standing over them, informing them that "Mr. Kuhn is VERY DISPLEASED." And the speaker's partner will take the safety off his big fucking gun in a very menacing way, and the fuckers will realize that they really shouldn't have ruined J. Kuhn's movie-going experience.
So on the way home I stopped at PS211. It was goth night. I saw one chick who was topless, excepting pasties.
I'm down with that.
...Unfortunately, so were they. I'm not cool with that. But they probably were. If not cool with that, at least cool in general. It was a breezy night.
So, I start talking to one of the guys who runs the place, Will. Will was wearing a skirt, black hose, and a corset for the occasion, with black lipstick. His Tevas, full beard and copious body hair (all of it red) completed the effect. I wish I'd gotten a picture, it was fucking hilarious. Of course I told him he made a smokin' hot bitch, because obvious lies are funny. We call this irony. Or possibly idiocy.
Now, to get right to the point: he knew a guy who knew a bunch of people who might want their music in a movie. So, I got the hookup and hopefully I have music sources now.
Friday, June 04, 2004
"My motherfucker is so cool, when he goes to bed, sheep count him."
Last post's quoted movie was Return of the King. No compliment neccessary. Another quote from the movie quoted above: "Everybody needs money! That's why they call it money!"
I had to make a sign and it on my door: "NO! I do not know where (Insert name Here) is! GO AWAY!" I thought about putting in various curse words for emphasis, but I'd have to take it down then and it would clutter things up anyway. My slightly more emphasized version: "NO! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK WHOEVER YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS! FUCK OFF!"
My siblings do this thing where they knock on my door and ask where Mom is, or Jeremy, or Jessica, or whoever. And I've gotta turn off my music (or possibly porn) for THIS? WHY!? If the person you're looking for is not in my room, and in all probability they are not, why would I know where they are? Even if I HADN'T been in my room all day, I still am not aware of everybody's exact goddamn presence at this moment. I don't tag my family and track them with radar! Why the hell would I want to do that? It's hard enough getting away from them!
Good fucking grief.
As a break from all the enragement, let me tell you something: Never hit your mother witha shovel. It leaves a big impression on her mind.
Ok, not much of a break. G'day.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me!"
Imagine hearing the above quote spoken and being chilled with excitement to the bone, nay, to the very marrow, and mayhap you will know what film I quote. Yesterday's quoted movie was Batman. Man, the Joker had so many great lines. "You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?"
I think it would be really cool to write a book as a blog. One would post it all in segments, with the story planned out beforehand. The intriguing twist? The readers don't know it's going to be a book. This way, you could use choice commments as footnotes (their comments might be their intellectual property though) and include the reactions to your blog from other blogs in the book. It could be tough getting their permission, but still. It'd be a great change to the journal format (in which books have assuredly been written).
The tough part would be maintaining an identity. Say you decided to make your protaginist a Shaolin monk. How does the monk (for all purposes you) have Internet access? Where did he learn to speak English? Why is his English so damn good? That kind of thing. You would have to assume all the characteristics you'd laid out for the protaginist in the beginning and never, ever break character, except maybe in the course of the character maturing. Keeping it to yourself would be torture, at least for I think it would for me. Still, it's an idea...my fake blogger would be, let's see...ah, ah! Not telling!
"Where does he get those wonderful toys? "
Last post's quoted movie was Shrek. Great film.
A comment I made on TJ's Place that I thought was worth reposting:
"Here's a similar, but less subtle, trick: get somebody to open your carbonated beverage for you. There's a routine that goes with this.
Get two cans of whatever, shake one up, babble about being the God of Carbonation (or whatever you want to babble about) for a couple of minutes (at least sixty seconds), then open the shook one right under your friend's nose. it won't do anything, because the drink will have calmed down. Then hold the other one out to your "friend." He pulls the tab and it spews all over him, completely drenching the poor mofo.
Here's the trick: You squeezed the can as he opened it. You also pulled it away so the drink was escaping through the smallest possible opening. You didn't squeeze it hard enough that one can tell it's been squeezed, though--maybe enough for a slight dent that could be chalked up to air pressure and stuff.
Voila, friends for life."
Kevin said something the other day about how he uses too many of those separating lines, and that they're lazy.
So what's your point, Kev? Get over it. After all, if I use 'em they must be fine, eh?
Still shooting. I did some really nice voiceovers. I make a great gumshoe. At least when voice acting.
"The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are."