The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Monday, April 19, 2004
Y0u g07 n3 g00|] pr0n???
Porn, what do you think about it? Don't talk to me about how the guy who invented it should get a medal (you know it was a guy), there must have been at least five hundred cavemen that all thought at the same time, "Ugh! Can paint sex on wall! Can make sex with hand later! Can take pictures and video of wall and publish to internet!"
So, we know we like it. But don't you agree there are bad aspects? Even of your basic girl-on-guy bread-and-butter porn. I'm talking about one aspect, and it is the hairy aspect. In short, the male half of the scene. Usually his only good feature is his wild one-eyed wonder worm. You try not to look at that guy, you try to block out any sound he might make.
Darth Vader interjects: "The Wang is strong in this one!" Then he breathes heavily, and not because of his respirator. Hey, he wears lots of leather, he pretends to be a black man, he wails on folks with a phallic symbol made of pure energy, he's into asphyxiation by willpower...What do you expect. Actually, I could go for the phallic symbol bit myself....
Anyway, that's the good thing about lesbian porn. There isn't a guy. Thank god there's no guy here to put up with! It's all boobs and tongues and lips and feminine moaning. I twitch.
But no guy present means no roving root of ramnation. This totally ruins the fantasy that I'm in this movie, you know?
And plastic sure doesn't cut it. They bring in gigantic dildos, baseball bats, telephone poles, you name it...Trying to compensate. But it just ain't wang! It's like those plastic knives at McDonald's. They just don't cut it.
Ah, sex fantasy...The subtle knife. What we realize in the end is that it's all a substitute for actual sex. Doubtless when the girls come to their senses and start throwing themselves at me I shall come to believe, no pun, that sex is merely a substitute for "actual love."