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The Reel Deal and Other Bad Jokes
Thursday, April 22, 2004
 
HARDBOILED
I apologize for the bad spacing. The indents don't paste correctly. "V/O" means "voice over," and "OS" means "off screen." This is a script for the Summer Session in Film that's coming up. I've got a few other ideas, but this one is doable in terms of time, and the writing is done, and that's a plus.


FADE IN:


1 EXT. DARK CORNER – LATE EVENING

Open with shot of SLYFUCK JONES in a dark corner in the city. It’s Sherlock Holmes crossed with Slim Shady crossed with The Shadow. He flips up his collar and lights a cigarette. He shivers, finishes his cigarette. Then he strides out across the street and into an office building.

NARRATOR V/O
The story you are about to hear is complete bullshit. The names have been fabricated for cheap laughs.

CUT TO WATSONSON in a crisp suit with suitcase walking briskly along the sidewalk. Alfred crossed with Watson. Close up of his feet, pull back and pan up to his knees, then hips, torso, and head. Pull back to see Watsonson walk into office building.

2 INT SLYFUCK’S OFFICE -- DAY

CUT TO Slyfuck sitting at his desk. He swills from a bottle and rolls a cigarette between his fingers longingly.

WATSONSON
Good morning Master Jones. Have you by some slim chance read this morning's paper? There's a picture of you on the front page, along with a story concerning the confiscation of a large amount of cocaine.

Watsonson pauses.

WATSONSON (CNTD)
Would this have something to do with the crate marked "Top Secret" that you have hidden in the closet, sir?

SLYFUCK
(mutters)
Can't let good coke go to waste.

WATSONSON
Excuse me sir?


There is the sound of a sharp inhalation, and Slyfuck’s head comes up into frame. He wipes his nose.

SLYFUCK
Nothing.



There is a loud report at the door. Watsonson goes to answer it.

CALLER (OS)
Hey, lemme through! I wanna talk to that private dick, Slyfuck Jones! I got a fuckin' case for him! OW!

The loudmouthed individual is escorted into Slyfuck's presence by Watsonson, who is holding him in a wristlock.

WATSONSON
You have a caller, Master Jones.

CALLER
Who the fuck is the guy in the penguin suit? I wanna talk to the private dick.

SLYFUCK
You say you've got a case for me. I only take cases if they have money in them.

CALLER
Well, I ain't got no briefcase, but this should do the trick.

The caller takes out a roll of bills and peels off several. Slyfuck makes them disappear.

SLYFUCK
Now tell me your problem, Billy.

BILLY
How the fuck you know my name?

SLYFUCK
I discern the outline of a blackjack in your pocket. Also, there is a letter addressed to "William" peeking forth from your pocket. In addition, you are socially low in appearance, dress, and speech. Therefore, you must be Billy the Blackjack.

BILLY
You're a fuckin' genius!

SLYFUCK
I know. But we weren't talking about how good my deductions are. I know how good my deductions are. That's why I'm a private eye. We were talking about your dilemma.

BILLY
Oh, yeah. Well, my old man just happens to be--

SLYFUCK
A high-level enforcer for the mob.

BILLY
The fuck you know that?

SLYFUCK
I hear things. I hear things.

BILLY
Best not to hear too many things, 'cause my pops and me, we see dead people. A lot of dead people, in our business. Anyway, this old guy Caputti just bit the big one last month. Now, Mrs. Caputti has made it obvious that she has a thing for my pops. My pops, he likes her ok for an old broad, but--

SLYFUCK
He likes her money more.

Billy shakes a finger.

BILLY
You. YOU. You're good. The fuck you know so much?

SLYFUCK
I know the human race. But please, continue.

BILLY
Well, if my old man marries her, he gets her money. But maybe she likes him enough, he doesn't have to get married and she leaves him the money anyway. So of course my pops, he wanna find out if she like him enough to leave him her money when she kicks off. An' he don' wanna come right out and ask her himself, so he tells me he wants me to do it, real sneaky-like. He just so happens to have two tickets to this big fuckin’ to-do of a dinner party this old Caputti broad was throwin'.

SLYFUCK
The Easter gala affair, yes?

BILLY
Yeah, that. How the fuck you know that?

SLYFUCK
I read the social pages.

BILLY
Oh, read. Yeah, I heard a' that once. Anyway, we're at this party, right? And we got prime seats at the dinner table, right? I'm sittin' right next to 'er. I'm plyin' this old broad with a bit of booze, she likes this really old, expensive stuff that I only drink at the Don's birthday parties, right? I talk to her about stuff...y'know, like her dog, a yappy little puffball sorta mutt, and how her fuckin' rheumatism is givin' 'er trouble, and how she oughta fire her butler 'cause he's bangin' all the maids and her daughter ta boot.

A haunted look comes into Billy's eyes.

WIDOW CAPUTTI (V/O)
Pass me a bit more of that fine wine, would you, William? Fill my glass. No, no, I said FILL my glass. My, you are a dense boy. Have I told you about my adorable little Pomeranian? He's such a dear little thing. The way he begs for food is so--

BILLY (V/O)
AAAAGH! DIE, BITCH, DIE!

There is the sound of the table overturning, glasses and plates shattering, Billy taking the safety off his gun and firing wildly. In his memory, Billy snaps back from fantasy to reality with an accompanying sound effect—maybe a zipper.

BILLY (V/O)
He sounds like a fuckin' delightful little doggie.

WIDOW CAPUTTI (V/O)
You have such a quaint way of expressing yourself, William. You're such a character.

BILLY
But finally, finally, I gets her drunk enough to ask the question I need to ask.


WIDOW CAPUTTI (V/O)
Gimme some more booze, Billy boy. Have I asked you your advice about servants? You see, I have this butler, and he's screwing the maids until they can't walk straight. Now I can understand how a guy like him needs to let it out, because when you walk like you have a broomstick up your ass maybe you want to unbend a bit and put it up someone else's--but he's putting it to them all the time, and last week my tea was late!

BILLY (V/O)
Your butler? I could take the motherfucker for a ride if ya want. Tell me somethin', Mrs. C...Whatcha think of my pops?

WIDOW CAPUTTI (V/O)
I want to take off his wrapper and lick him until I get to his creamy center!

BILLY (V/O)
Does that mean you'd marry him?

WIDOW CAPUTTI (V/O)
MARRY him? I'll say! I'm leaving all my money to the bastard!

BILLY (V/O)
Mother of holy fuck, that's fuckin' great!

WIDOW CAPUTTI (V/O)
Have I told you what a character you are, Billy boy? Dense, but a character.

BILLY
And she confirmed that she was leavin' her dough to my pops, right? Well, my pops is sittin' across from me, one or two seats away from the old broad, 'cause he can't stand ‘er. I was 'sposed to give 'im a signal if she was leavin' the money--I was gonna kick him real hard under the table. So I kicked him. He must have jumped a bit or somethin', cause the dishes rattled a bit. His foot felt like it was made outta fuckin' wood. But I don't know what the fuck was wrong with 'im, 'cause right after dinner he proposes to the broad! What the fuck happened?

SLYFUCK
Based on your account and the comments within such as "the dishes rattled a bit" and "his foot felt like it was made outta fuckin' wood," I would venture to say...

BILLY
Yeah? What?

SLYFUCK
I would venture to say...

BILLY
Say what?

SLYFUCK
I would venture to say...

BILLY
WHAT?

SLYFUCK
That you kicked the foot of the table instead.

Rough-cut close-ups on Billy's astonished face: Medium--close--really close.

SLYFUCK
I would also venture to say that you and also, possibly, your pops were the killers of the Widow Caputti last night. In fact I would have ventured to say this the moment you sat down, and did not so that the police would have time to get here.

A siren approaches and a police car pulls up outside. Blue-and-whites whirl through the window.

SLYFUCK
Ah, right on cue.

Close-up on Billy's eye—his hand, inside his jacket.

BILLY
Say hello to my little friend—

Camera from Billy’s POV as Slyfuck stands up and punches him in the face.


SLYFUCK
Here’s lookin’ at you…punk.

Billy looks up from the floor where he fell, swallows, then scrambles for the door. He reaches the hallway and encounters the police.

POLICEMEN
FREEZE!

There is the sound of gunfight. Shot of Billy through the door being shot down. Slyfuck stands up.

SLYFUCK
Well…he made my day. Watsonson...you can take the rest of the day off.

WATSONSON
I'll be finishing up this paperwork first, sir.

SLYFUCK
I'll be chasing some pussy.

WATSONSON
Very good, sir.

SLYFUCK
Elementary, my dear Watsonson.

Watsonson looks at the camera, grimaces, and waggles a hand with spread fingers. He looks back at Slyfuck.

SLYFUCK
(sighs) I can’t believe I said it either…

Slyfuck walks out, stepping over Billy's body. We see him come out of the office building and walk down the sidewalk. He exhales a puff of smoke and tosses his cigarette butt to the curb. Close-up of the butt rolling to a stop and then shot of Slyfuck walking away.

FADE OUT
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